Musings of an I.T. Girl

Blessed bureaucracy

2012-01-08T10:22:00.003+01:00

This was going to be a long rant, but I think I am going to try and keep it simple...

Bureaucracy sucks. There, I think that about covers it :)

The UK Deed Poll, which is easy to arrange, has so many hidden problems that are only made visible after you have spent the money in getting one that it has made my blood boil a little. Like the fact that if you live outside of the UK don't pay the extra for legal copies as the passport office only accept legal copies for applications coming from within the UK. Outside the UK you have to send the original - why? No one knows. It's nice that they tell you that after you have spent the extra 100 pounds or so on arranging them though!

Or the fact that getting a passport when outside of the UK has got to be such a complex and impossible task compared to what it was a couple of years ago, when you simply went to the consulate and gave them an obscene amount of money compared to getting a passport in the UK and they got you a passport.

Now, after their efficiency drive you have to spend more than double the old obscene amount (178 euros in fact) and they will not tell you which of the multiple passport application forms you need to fill in or what documentation you need to provide. Oh, and you can't do it at the consulate any more, you have to send it to Paris. Who then send it to Cardiff. Why can't I just send it to Cardiff in the first place, why the extra pointless step! Or if you have to have that step anyway, why not keep it at the local consulate level to try and make life a little easier for the people using the process!

I was going to try the express passport service in the UK, but they won't do that in my situation only that I can use the one week service which *should* deliver a passport within a week. I can't tell me boss that I *should* be back in a week. I need to know if I try for the week passport that I will actually get a passport in one week so I can travel back from the UK.

In fact the only thing they will say is that you have to send the 'correct' documentation and that if you don't they will simply return the form to you delaying the 6 week service (and I use the term loosely) even further. You can't even call them without handing over your credit card details fist and risking a huge bill. I have emailed them about 6 times now and they are still giving vague, difficult to interpret answers so I am going to have to just try and see what happens.

I've been so stressed about it, after all the people aspect of my transition has gone so very smoothly, it's been great. And then this nightmare. 2 months of stress and hard work and I am no closer to actually getting the new documentation that I was at the start...

Tante Stacy come to dinner

2012-01-07T10:50:00.000+01:00

Well, the Christmas and New Year celebrations are behind us for another year - the decorations are down in the living room, which incidentally now looks empty, and normal life resumes.

And for the coming time period it is going to remain full to overflowing - both privately and professionally.

The first thing I had to do for the new year was outside of work: introducing my niece and nephew to Stacy for the first time. My sister-in-law had been preparing them over the last few weeks whenever the opportunity came up to talk about it with them. Whether that was a comment from my niece about girls and boys, she is in the age group where she is noticing the difference between the girls and boys and noticing what is expected of both, and when something to do with gender was on TV. The fact that in the Netherlands we have some great programming about various aspects of the human condition, and I really mean great - just a presenter talking to and following people in their day to day life rather than something more sensationalised, meant that there was something that she could discuss with my niece before actually telling her about me specifically.

Then on Sunday night she told them about me and that on the following Tuesday, the day we always go and visit, that Aunty Stacy would be coming. My nephew is a little too young to get it, but my niece, after cracking up, apparently just said 'Yeah, I have three aunts now!'

On Tuesday evening Mrs Stace and I arrived and at first my nephew was a little 'eh?' and my niece again cracked up. But after a couple of minutes they both came around and my nephew came up to me for a hug as he normally does when we arrive. We spent the evening before dinner doing jigsaws on the floor and talking. She thought I looked funny, and was asking if I was in Mrs Staces clothes or if they were my own - she seemed quite impressed that I was in my own wardrobe :p She also asked, just to show how early these things get ingrained, if I was going to get my ears pierced, and if I was going to get my nails painted. My ears were pierced last weekend, and last week I did have my nails painted - not something I do very often - and she exclaimed 'Oh, you are a real girl!' I had to laugh at that.

What I was really surprised at was how much she tried to get my name right. After talking to my therapist we had decided that we were not going to correct the kids. There is enough of a change with me without forcing them to call me something different. Once all of the adults start calling me Stacy they will follow in time, and it will be less traumatic for them. But my niece was trying from the start to call me 'Tante Stacy', and the name change itself was actually the easiest for her. There were a few 'Oom Stacy' moments throughout the evening - I find it interesting that she found the name easier than the switch from uncle to aunt - but she corrected herself every single time.

After eating we helped put the kids to bed and as I gave her a hug good night I got a really sweet 'Ik vind je heel lief tante Stacy', roughly translated as 'I think your really sweet aunty Stacy', whispered in my ear. Ahh... :)

I don't think I could have wished for it to go better...

Ow!

2011-12-31T14:52:00.000+01:00

Well I had a post to write for this week, actually based on the 'fun' I had dealing with banks and the passport office last week, but I think I'll wait for next week.

For now I'll do a quick end of year post and relax again.

End of a year, and end of 35 year period of my life. Last night I celebrated my nephews birthday, as was previously discussed I went as him, and if luck holds out with deliveries it should be the last time I have to go as him. The party was great, being him somewhat less so. But that is now history. On to a new year and new challenges.

Ow? I had my ears pierced today. Ow. A little at first, growing to a lot and now a faded throbbing. But at least in 6 weeks I can wear the one of the presents from Mrs Stace that I got at Christmas :)

Happy new year all!
Stace

Oh, er, oh...

2011-12-24T18:55:00.000+01:00

Before I sign of for the Christmas weekend there is one last bit of my first week as Stacy that I wanted to post... It was from the last day of the week, and put such a smile on my face that it was something I wanted to share.

We always do the shopping on Friday afternoons, on this occasion Mrs Stace had the day off of work so I was picking her up after she had finished the shopping so that we could get home after a stressful week and relax.

Before meeting her I wanted to pick up my St Christopher from the jewelers, where it had been re-soldered to the chain. It's a really nice small pendant and chain that my parents got me to wear as Stacy a couple of months after we told them - and with the thought behind it makes it mean the world to me.

Now, the morning before leaving for work I had forgotten to pick up the slip of paper that says the pendant is mine. I asked if this was a problem in the shop and was told it was fine, as long as I had ID. Oh dear - all of my ID is still in my old name, with my old photo.

There were two ways I could do this. I could either just say 'Oh well, I'll come back tomorrow I don't have any with me.' Or I could just get on with it. I went with the second one. 'OK, but I do look a little different in the picture.' Not to mention that they have a name and gender marker that does not match who I am, but hey...

I passed him my driving license. He looked at it, then at me, then at it, at me again. One last time at the driving license and he said 'Well, you look very good!' I laughed and said thanks, whilst he wrote the details down. I had wondered whether it would be an issue - the owner is a very old man and looks very conservative, but no. He was fantastic. Sorted everything out for me and helped me look for a replacement strap for my watch that looks a little more feminine. Fantastic way to end a great week!

With that I wish you all Merry Christmas (or happy holidays if you prefer)! I hope you have a fantastic day celebrating whatever way you do.

Stace

PS Don't try to write a post whilst making risotto - I just nearly burnt our dinner whilst writing this... Oops :)

First week

2011-12-23T13:13:00.000+01:00

The first day in the office went smoothly, I was absolutely shattered from emotional exhaustion - with a little bit of physical exhaustion thrown in for good measure from the lack of sleep on the Sunday to Monday. Everybody tried really hard and I had some great conversations with people from the different business units.

A few rooms have done something to try and help people get the name and pronouns correct. One room is collecting a euro for every mistake and there are a couple of others (mine included) that have started a board to list the mistakes. A friend started the one in our room, and named it the 'Shame Sheet'. It takes up an entire white board and lists each person in the room. Including me. Each time there is a mistake it is marked on the board. I have 2 (from signing emails, damn muscle memory ;p), both made within the first couple of hours. I have now got to the point where writing Stace comes as automatically, thankfully! Most mistakes are made in the heat of the moment and are corrected immediately.

But I can't believe how much everyone is trying hard to get it right! And most people have made the change in their head quite well - so well in fact that I have given a complement to them for making the change so easy and natural. After all it has only been so easy for me because it has been made this easy by the people I work with, most comment that I manage help that by being so natural as Stacy that as far as them seeing me goes it's already normal in their head. The name and pronoun don't come quite as naturally - after all most have known me for more than 5 years. Whilst they are all trying you can tell with the pause and the way that Stacy or Stace is said who is having the most trouble. It will come with time I am sure.

There are a few people who are not sure how to react to me when they see me now. Some just utter 'Morgen' as they pass, some just make themselves treat me normally whilst they get used to it. Either way there are not negative responses and hopefully once people get used to it they will just treat me normally again.

On the last day of the week I was speaking to my boss before the weekend, he asked how it had gone and I told him well, that the most exciting thing was that it was not exciting and that after the first hour or so it was just so natural that I wasn't thinking of it anymore. He also commented that I made it easier for other people by staying myself, and just being natural. And he was pleased to see that I still played table football before lunch - something that is a habit in our room and something he was worried that I would stop.

All in all it was an amazing week, full of moments where I caught myself thinking 'wow, have I really made this step' and full of many more where I could just get on with life as it should be. Whilst the noise has not gone from head completely, it most certainly dwindled and people comment how much happier I look. :)

Tuesday

2011-12-18T11:04:00.000+01:00

So... After telling everyone on Monday - and being a complete emotional wreck in the process - I was kind of dreading Tuesday.

In the end there was no need for any of the panic. I had my outfit chosen, actually I picked my outfit some weeks ago. The only change was the shoes (trust me this becomes important) as Mrs Stace suggested a pair different to my initial choice.

The change in life started from the moment the alarm went off. Normally Mrs Stace showers first whilst I make the breakfasts then I shower whilst she is getting ready.

Hmm... With my hair and make-up I now take a little longer than before, and so we we have swapped. I jump in the shower whilst Mrs Stace gets breakfast. I managed to get ready in time to get Mrs Stace to the train station in time for her train, not bad I think - alarm going off to sitting in the car was less than 40 minutes. Considering it used to take me an hour just to get ready I think I've got it down quite well. I certainly couldn't have coped with having to get up even earlier in order to be out of the door in time! 5:40 is quite early enough!

The drive to work was actually very uneventful, and without any stress. I got to the office changed shoes (I can't drive in heels so I always drive in my deck shoes) and... Stepped out of the car. I shocked myself there, I had expected to need some time to get out of the car before I started but in the end I just did it.

I always get to the office really early, in fact their are generally only one or two others there at the time. So I thought that the best thing to do was get the first introductions out of the way before more people started to turn up. I got some nice responses, again like when I told them the day before they were all supportive, and thankfully treated me completely normally!

With those out of the way I tried to do my normal routine. Going for the first coffee of the morning with our DBA, which we normally take in the entrance to the building. This actually had a very good effect - drinking coffee and chatting about both work and my feelings whilst people arrived made things much more normal than they could otherwise have been.

I'll be honest the rest of the day is somewhat of a blur. I got lots of great comments from the people I work with, both on how I was handling the situation, and how I looked. Normal was a word used regularly - and I can't think of a word that I would rather hear when someone was describing me!

Throughout the whole of the day I managed relatively stress free; I think that after telling people on the Monday them seeing me just didn't seem as scary. The only exception being just before lunch; it was the one part of the day that I was worried about, after all it's one thing see individuals on their own and quite another to walk into a room full of people! It passed without a hitch, though for the rest of the week I did not go on my own. Hopefully I'll get over that soon enough - I am certain that it's all in my head!

Something else started on Tuesday in the office. We had three Christmas trees delivered (well 4 - one of them was for the canteen decorated in the company colours) although for once there were no decorations on them. We found out why when someone from marketing came around with post cards. All of them with a different complement on the front, and then space on the back to write a message. You can then put your cards in the tree. Someone dropped a card off on my desk almost immediately, and apparently there are loads of cards to me in the trees; though I am being blind - I checked three times after 7 or 8 people told me that if I was still worried about reactions I had to check the trees and I can still only find a couple of cards...

The whole day passed without incident, lots of compliments, lots of people trying really hard to get my name and pronouns right (more on that in another post); but most of all it passed with people treating me just as they did. Everything felt so normal, and so right - but it is something that would not have happened without the support of all the people I work with day in, day out. It felt normal because everyone made it normal.

Remember I said the shoes were important? Well, I had planned on wearing my boots. They have a small heel, fit like gloves and are really, really comfortable! Only, Mrs Stace said that the black didn't really go with beige and brown of the rest of the outfit and suggested my shoes instead. So I had beige court shoes with 8cm heels on (I'm sure there is a picture of them on the site somewhere). Which brought some comments, people wondering how long it had taken me to learn to walk in heels (I've been doing it since I was a teenager so no problem), and people commenting that they were lovely shoes, but was I insane to pick those for my first full day.

I just said that Mrs Stace obviously hates me because at 10 in the morning my feet hurt like hell! Sitting in them was fine. Walking in them was fine. Being stopped in the corridor and chatting to people caused me a lot of pain! So did playing fussball before we went to lunch! Our HR woman told me not to remove them until I was ready to take them off for the day (we had arranged a chat to see how the day was going), otherwise I would not be able to get them back on. Good advice, but the next time I expect to be on my feet for most of the say I'll pick some different shoes I think :)

Monday

2011-12-18T08:59:00.000+01:00

Well actually that should read Sunday... It's the day when the stress of the week really kicked off, and I became a bit of a wreck. Well, a lot of a wreck actually.

For some stupid reason I managed to notice the clock at some point in the afternoon and the thought 'in 15 hours I'll be telling my team' came to mind. Stupid! If anything is sure to make me panic and stress it's counting down hours until something happens... I called my parents and had a long chat with my mum - who again offered to fly here to be with me during the week and managed to get me somewhat calmed down - and ordered me to have a cognac (a Christmas pressent from my parents last year) to help.

Sunday night I pretty much did not sleep. I went to bed and took a valerian tablet to help me relax and it worked; for a few hours. Then I was awake, panicing and stressing in bed from 2:30 until 5:40 when the alarm went off. I managed to do some breathing exercises to make sure I got some rest even if sleep did alude me.

I got to work on Monday morning then the stress hit me completely, I honestly can't tell you what I did for the first two hours (except check my watch every couple of minutes to see if it was time for the team meeting). We all made our way to the meeting room and rather than try to talk around the issue and lead up to it I just said what was going to happen the next morning. It seemed the easiest way. Cue lots of shock, and one guy in the team looking like a bowling ball for a couple of minutes. Then a few questions, a bit of explanation and a some talk. All of it positive, no negative reactions at all. Phew :)

When we ran out of questions I told my team that the other department meeting that was planned later in the morning was to tell everyone else, and at the same time the other business unit managers would be telling their people too; and asked them not to discuss it in front of others until that time. Saying that caused the stress that was receding to start building again and our web master came out with a fantastic phrase for me...

'If anyone gives you any grief about this, just tell them that your team is completely behind you'

I don't think I could have asked for a better reaction than that from him!

30 mins of stressing again and we were in the biggest meeting room, with the whole department - about 30 people I think. My boss was giving the news, with me there to answer any questions that I felt I could answer but with the instruction that if I got to stressed I was just to leave. He brought the news over to the team 'X is in a process of transition and as of tomorrow we will have a female team lead in IT, Stacy.' Cue lots of quizzical faces and our one female developers asking the question that I have since found out was in the minds of a few others. 'But what will X be doing as of tomorrow then?' I couldn't help but smile here, and answered that I was going to be Stacy. My boss said some other things (which I can't remember) and asked if there were any questions. None came back and so we went back to work. Well we didn't... I got back to my room to find it filled with people and we spent the next 30 minutes chatting about it. Again the reactions I had were great. There were the people who were shocked, and the people who said something along the lines of 'I always knew that you were somewhat feminine, but never really thought anything of it.'

The rest of the day I tried to keep working (failed miserably) and tried to make some calls to ex-colleagues so that they found out from me and not from other people. There were 4 people that I really wanted to tell in person (well 5, but one is visiting family back in India so I knew he couldn't be there) and so I tried to arrange to see them. I think I managed to scare a few people that day. 'Hi it's X. I have some news for you, but it's not something I really want to tell you over the phone. Can you meet me in a cafe at 4:30?' Now... I made these calls between 12:30 and 2:30 PM, not giving people much time to be able to get there, and I was expecting a rather 'hmm, that could be really difficult' response. The first person I called couldn't make it - he was in bed sniffling - so I had to tell him over the phone.

Wow... Really! You're not joking?! (I've become accustomed to the last one in recent days) was the response. This is a person that I was dreading telling, there is a story somewhere on this blog about why - he has come out with a very scary story in the past - but he was fine. 'You are still going to BBQ next year aren't you?' was one of his responses. We had a bit of a chat, which was cut short as my boss then called my phone to find out where I was as I was late for the team lead meeting (oops).

The others just commented that it was very mysterious and that they would be there. Including a guy on the other side of the country in a business meeting (which he said he couldn't concentrate on after the call as he thought something very serious was wrong).

At 4:30 I got the cafe where two of the group where already there, we chatted for a while as we had to wait for the last to turn up (he brought his wife with him as we know each other as well) and when everyone had their drinks and we were all sitting down they demanded to know what was wrong. I told them. Three times. Again: No?! Really?! You're joking aren't you? When they understood that it was not a joke and the shock had worn off a little we chatted for an hour. It turns out that they all had the same couple of thoughts. I'd quit and wanted a job (they all have their own companies since leaving the company I work for). I'd quit to start my own company and wanted some freelance work. I'd started my own company and had an amazing idea for a startup but needed some collaboration to get it off the ground (I wish...). I was seriously ill and not long for this world (thankfully not! That is thankfully not serious ill, not thankfully not long for this world).

The wife of my friend said that we needed a getting to know Stacy party in the new year. I like the idea, after all I don't see these people day in, day out and I would be good for them to meet the real me sooner rather than later. I am just not sure if I am going to be hosting a winter BBQ (I like the idea I must admit) or just to go for drinks one evening after work.

The responses from all were amazing, and I was really impressed that I have friends who will drop everything and drive across the country if something is important. We are not the closest of friends (we see each other 4 or 5 times a year at most) but obviously we are very good friends - that was a little overwhelming when I stopped to think about it.

We had to leave before one of our party had his car clamped - he had not put enough money in the machine to park very long :) And I still had a couple of people that I needed to tell - unfortunately I knew that I was not going to be able to tell them in person so I had to call.

One was another ex-colleague from where I work now, and I always watch at least one match of the 6 nations with her. I called her, told her and guessed correctly from her voice that she already knew (I kind of figured that she would do as she is close friends with a few people in my department still). She was very supportive, and came out almost immediately with 'You're are still coming to the 6 nations aren't you? You're not going to make me go on my own?' Again we chatted for a while about this and other things before I had to go. I was home by now and needed to cook, then there was one last call of the day.

This time to a colleague who I worked with a while ago. Again he took it fantastically, and made sure I was still throwing my yearly BBQ in the summer. I don't think I could have asked for better responses so far.

After that it's a bit of a blur and exhaustion was really setting in. My parents called to check how I was doing, I watched Only Connect (wonderful program - makes you feel really stupid ;p) and went to bed. And slept!

Sorry for the long post, but I guess there was a lot to tell!

A very quick update...

2011-12-15T19:14:00.000+01:00

Well, I'm absolutely exhausted! The stress is finally draining and I am starting to relax but now the problem seems to be that recovery is now trying to take it's place. Roll on the weekend! And please let me have a lie in!

I have now been full time at work for three days after the company finding out on Monday morning. I have had lots of support, lots of questions and everyone I work with is really doing their best to get the name and pronouns right.

There are, of course, far more details - but I think I will see if I have the energy at the weekend to write that up in a few posts, at the moment I just don't think I could manage something that is not a ramble!

But a very overwhelming (in the best possible way) week so far... Now to try and chill for the rest of the evening!

One Week

2011-12-05T19:42:00.001+01:00

Well, it's getting close now. In just 7 short days everyone in the company should know about me, and I will be stressing about whether I have picked the right outfit for the first day working as Stacy (which I hope isn't really as shallow as it sounds).

The plan is that I will be telling my team first thing in the morning, then there will be a department meeting where those who are not in my team, but are still in my department, will find out. From that point on the other Business Unit managers will be able to tell their people - I have asked that they do not say anything before the people I work closely with find out and before I come to the office as Stacy for the first time. There will also be a mail sent to everybody, from their own manager with a bit of text from me in it.

Then I have to see what reactions I get during the day. It's not my choice of timetable - I would have preferred something in the afternoon, but it's a good enough compromise with the restrictions of keeping the company running, you can't shut down whole call center departments on the fly and I do appreciate that.

My boss has translated my personal message, and enhanced it in the (and I mean that in the best possible way - I'm getting a bit scatter brained at the moment) and this afternoon he sent it to me for confirmation that I agreed with it before sending it to the management team tomorrow.

Phew...

Then I have the list of people outside of those I work with that I want to tell on the day. I would so much prefer that people find out from me and not from others - I can't de everyone face to face in one evening. One of those who I would really have preferred to tell in person has made that all the more difficult by daring to go on vacation back to see his family in India for a month, leaving one day or so so before I am due to tell everyone. I guess he gets told on Skype, damn.

Then I have to shock all the others by changing my LinkedIn and Google+ accounts and waiting for the WTFs to come in :)

Stace

Family, decorating and, yes again, stress...

2011-11-27T16:25:00.001+01:00

Well, it's Sunday afternoon and for the first time since I wrote my last blog I can relax a little.

The last week has been very busy still at work, and there has been no respite at home either. Work is going to remain busy and stressful for the coming weeks. It's the same every year and I don't see why this year should be any different. Hopefully by the time that I start working as Stacy the stress is going to be somewhat diminished.

At home... Well my brother arrived last Sunday to do some DIY for me (it's his job and I hate it so I thought it was easier to pay him than do it myself - thanks bro!) so we had to get the house ready for a guest, and I had to get into a place in my hear to share a house with him for a week. He's a great guy, but lives life like Frank Sinatra's song - My Way. Not being able to have discussions - he is right in everything and knows best about everything too (including telling me how things I studied work - because he has seen movies that told him; grr!!!) It can get a little tiring sometimes.

So whilst I have been at work this week he has been swapping radiators, removing radiators and plastering the walls in our hall, landing and on the stairways. And he even had time and material to do the bathroom ceiling for me!

Seeing as it was going to be the last time he saw his brother I was trying to figure out when to introduce Stacy to him, and stressed a little - he doesn't have the worlds greatest gift for tact so there would be no sugar coating his thoughts.

Events actually conspired against me for the week - Sunday was his first day so I thought as I am not full time yet there I would wait until he was settled. Monday I got home and gave him a hand finishing the days work and preparing for the next. Tuesday we were visiting my sister in law and her family so no go. Wednesday and Thursday were also spent helping with some of the work. On Friday I had therapy, my last session before going full time at work, so there was no choice there. He was going to meet me.

After therapy we went shopping for Sinterklass gifts and the weekly shop and then back home.

And...

As with telling him in the first place, a complete non event. I've had a few different reactions but never complete and total dis interest. And I don't mean that in the way that it sounds! He just opened the door (he had my keys for the week) and said 'howdo'. That's it.

Yesterday he went to Amsterdam for the day, I dropped him off at the train station as him (running errands that I still need to be him for) and picked him up in the evening again. As Stacy. And again just thanks for picking him up and started chatting. On the trip home I decided to bring it up, just to see if there was any reaction. I asked him if he thought he would cope in the January with calling me Stace or sis. 'I don't know, I'd had 35 years of calling you bro - I'm a bit stuck in my ways, that's why I can't stop smoking.' And that was it the subject was gone. And we just hada normal evening watching Strictly (I still can't believe that he is a fan!) and then the went to bed before setting off home today.

One bit of stress gone I suppose :)

Oh... And news!

I ordered my deed poll this week! An amazing simple (so far) process! Let's see when it comes through...

More annoying and difficult will be my passport... It used to be that you could take a morning off of work, go to the consulate in Amsterdam and get a new passport. But... When then introduced the new passports a couple of years ago they stopped doing this 'to improve the service the office can give to it's customers' and I now have to post my passport to Paris. Who will check if it meets their requirements for requesting a new passport. If they agree it gets posted to the UK. Who see if it meets their requirements for issuing a passport (yes, they can be different requirements!) who print it and then post it direct (thankfully) to me. I was hoping to come back to Leicester in the new year and take a trip to Peterborough for the one day service, but apparently I don't fulfill the requirements for that and it's one week minimum. As I could not travel home again with no passport that means a two week trip and I just don't want to use the vacation time for it. I just hope that posting it does not cause any problems... I have to get the application form filled in this week (assuming my Windows machine will read the PDF they have, my Apple doesn't...)

Phew, more stress in the coming weeks then! And a travel ban until they return it to too me! Why don't the UK sign the Schengen agreement so I can travel without it!

Getting fit again!

2011-11-20T09:47:00.000+01:00

I'll start with an apology for the length of the post - after not having a muse since my last post I started this morning and it all seemed to come out!

This week I am back on medication, at the start of the summer I began taking nose spray for hay fever. what I assumed was a constant cold mydoctor saw it for what it was and with the medication I was fine for the rest of the summer.

No sniffles, no aches and nothick head. Wonderful!

When I got back from the UKI noticed that I was starting running low on the spray, but assumed that as summer and the associated pollen we over for another year I could leave it for a while. I don't like the thought of taking medication 365 days a year. Then at the start of spring next year I could get my repeat prescription and start again.

And then I had cold after cold, thick heads and lots of aches and pains; just as I had at the start of the year.

This has impacted my life in a few ways, and none of them are good! I am useless at keeping up the will power needed to work out when I have a bad head. I get home from work and just want to collapse on the sofa. Or at the weekend I just can't seem to get it together enough to actually get my running gear on and leave the house. OK, there is also the question of dog owners at the moment - people who take large dogs out, without leads and fail to keep them under control. Over the last few weeks I when I have had the will power to go running I have had problems with dogs and their owners at least once on each run. Note to the dog owners: it's not funny, it's annoying as hell and terrifies the people on the receiving end. When I had two Alsatians baring their teeth and chasing me whilst the ineffectual owner gently said 'come here, come here' and not moving from his spot 200m away my heart rate went from 145 to 190 from the stress. Anyway I am off on a tangent again...

Another problem is that colds pour stress onto stress, and that is something I am struggling to contain at the moment. This time of year is always stressful in the office, and whilst this year seems to be much better than previous years, it's still bad enough that I had an apology from my boss on Friday. You see it's his first year, and in August I was making the planning and making sure that I had people available for my project now. Everyone was adamant that we would have been ready and I was being over the top by making sure the people were still available. Well... We still have weeks of work for developers, there are times when being able to say 'I told you so' doesn't feel great. But my boss spoke to me on Friday to apologise for not believing me when I was making the planning (though he didn't block my planning, he thought it was not going to be needed). He can't believe that we are still working on it, but I get the feeling that next year the planning may just be a little better - he's the first one to actually admit that we need these people.

And then of course there is preparing for the fact that in 3 weeks I'll be working as Stacy. Everything is ready. I thought. Hahahahaha. Last week I was working out the planning for that and since then the stress has been that high that my IBS has had me in agony and yesterday I simply collapsed from exhaustion. Literally. A migraine that tablets couldn't touch, short term memory loss (Mrs Stace asked me for a drink and had to tell me three times in less than a minute what she wanted as it just would not stick in my head) and lots of borderline sleep through the day.

Having the feeling of a constant cold was not helping matters at all!

So on Wednesday I arranged the repeat prescription, and on Thursday picked it up. That is only three days ago, and the medication takes up to two weeks to really get to work, but I have noticed an improvement already. The sniffles have gone, as have the thick heads. The aches? Well, they are still there, but not from a cold any more!

No, they come from the fact that over the last week I have been trying to get fit again. Not running has left me a smidgen over what I would like to be size wise. Nothing serious, and to be honest in clothes you can't even see it. But I know it's there. And I have terrible self body image at the best of times; knowing that I am stating to gain weight is just something that I see as the thing end of the wedge! Something has to be done!

Running is not on the cards for me at the moment, the weather is to cold at the weekends and at night it's too dark. My favourite place to run is the man made lake near where I live (where my sunset summer pictures in other posts are taken). It's tranquil, pretty and a set distance - 1 lap is exactly 3km. Unfortunately it's also unlit and by the time I get home from work it's pitch black - and when there is dog muck, possible glass from teenagers and possibly people lurking in the bushes around the lake (I don't know if the last one is true, but it's not something I like) I try not to do it in the dark. Of course in the dark you also can't see the dogs and their owners! So that's a no-no then :)

And so I am being a geek again :) I pre-ordered 'Your Shape 2012' for the Kinect and it arrived on Monday, and has been used since. I am trying to do three or four sessions a week, and I am trying to do 45 minute workouts at a high enough heart rate to get 400+ calories burnt per session.

It has different levels of work out for those just starting, those who have some experience and those who are really fit and annoying (I hope to join that group by the end of the winter ;p).

I started with the lowest levels - gentle movements and routines that lasted 5 minutes or so. It is a good way to start, and a good way to get into the different moves that you have to do. And the fact that you see yourself on the screen means that you can see when you are doing it wrong; OK a mirror would work just as well, but then you wouldn't be able to see the instructor! The space you need is quite large - we only just have enough room in our house for it; and if we were in the UK with the tendency to have separate rooms rather than open plan living I don't think there would be enough space without shifting all the furniture to one side!

But, as I still have a baseline fitness the starter ones were really not for me. I could not get my heart rate up enough, and I wasn't feeling like I had had a work out the end of them.

I tried the boot camp routine that it has (stupid of me, it's a level three routine even on the easiest level) and about collapsed at the end of the 6 minutes. On the other hand my heart rate was definitely up!

So I settled for the level 2 routines. I am concentrating on cardio at the moment as all I really want to do is burn calories and get my fitness level up. These take between 12 and 20 minutes per routine so I can do three different workouts and do my whole body. Legs, arms and torso in separate workouts. As this is something that I can't do with running I am actually enjoying it a lot! I think though that I will still try to do one lap of the lake once a week for the fresh air!

Right then, I guess it's time to finish preparing the house for my brothers arrival this afternoon. I was doing it yesterday but had to give up! It's been a while since I have seen him, and he is coming to change some radiators for us and plaster a ceiling and some walls.

Remebering

2011-11-13T08:27:00.001+01:00

There have been many posts this week for remembrance sunday and the poppy.

I have mixed thoughts on the subject. I always wore a poppy in the UK, and I always stopped the minutes silence at 11am.

But... My granddad was in WW2 - he lied about his age to get into service and served in the Royal Marines. It still makes me laugh when I say that too - it was always the Royal Marines - woe behold you should that word be forgotten! He was extremely proud of the Corps.

And yet... He would never talk about the war, except for the funny anecdotes - the one that I remember was when he was in a hut in the forest somewhere in Asia with a group of Royal Marines and a local guide. They saw a spider on the wall, and they all got a bit worried :) The local guide calmly walked over and pinned the spider to the wall with a large knife, turned to the commandos and said, 'Don't worry about those spiders, they won't hurt you. It's the ones you can't see that'll kill you.' I always liked the imagery of the commandos being scared of the spider and the guide being the one to calmly deal with the situation.

He never said anything about what he did during the war. Refused to talk about any of the bad things that he had seen (or the bad things that he did). Whenever there was a program where someone was glorifying war he always commented, almost always the same sentence, 'Anyone who says these things never saw what goes on in war.' He hated it, and as proud as he was of serving in the Royal Marines I think that he always regretted his decision to lie about his age. He was vehemently against war, and anything that tried to glorify it.

He also never liked remembrance day. I asked his about it once, he simply said it reminds him too much of what he saw, and those he will never see again. It was quite sad, and not something that I brought up again.

I can wear the poppy to support the British Legion working with ex-service men and women, but what about the other reasons. I am wearing it to bring remembrance to something that the only person I knew who served didn't want to remember. Since the day he spoke to me about why he didn't take part in Remembrance Sunday it has made it difficult for me to not to think of it.

Stace

Tough week

2011-11-06T17:06:00.001+01:00

This last week has left me absolutely shattered! Stress both inside and outside of work has really taken it's toll, which has either left me open for illness or the illness that I had took advantage of my stress and really knocked me for six!

It started last weekend, when the cold came back and really attacked me - it really floored me over the whole weekend. On monday morning I had an appointment with a mouth hygienist and I got halfway there before I realised that I would not be driving from the appointment to work as I had planned. I didn't feel safe and thought that driving another 50KM in rush hour, motorway traffic was a bad idea. There are times when it is a really bad idea to be ill - and this week was one of them!

Our biggest project of the year was going live on Thursday and Monday was the day when we decided if we could make the live date. Thankfully I could just about think so I simply worked from home as best as I could. Many emails and phone calls later and we were almost ready.

Tuesday was always going to be stress full. Two hospital appointments in one day was never going to be nice, and as I had not been in the office on Monday I thought that maybe it would be a good idea to change my plans of working from home before the appointments and go in for a couple of hours. Unfortunately that added about 100km to my driving for the day!

A drive there, a few fraught meetings, but everything was back on track. Phew!

I left for the appointments, got there with 10 mins spare for the first one. All went well until the nurse said that I needed a blood test. Now I don't do needles very well at all (bodes well for when I start on hormones and need a baseline doesn't it?) so that sent my anxiety sky high!

Blood test complete (and almost painless as normal - why it bothers me I don't know!) it was time to get to the second hospital. A drive across Amsterdam later and I was there. This appointment was for a logopedist to baseline my vocal cords and arrange a speech therapist. In theory this should have been the simplest part of the day - but in order to baseline they use a camera on a stick to video your vocal cords. They tried a few times but my gag reflex made it imposible for them. They tried one last time, with me more upright, and trying my hardest to relax and to begin with I thought that it was going OK. It was not comfortable but I was not chocking. Then chocking stopped being the problem and I projectile vomited over myself, the chair and the doctor. Great. At that point they gave up and said that my voice was fine, and at a good baseline level for therapy and that they could go ahead without the camera.

So I left, still covered in vomit as they only had dry clothes to clean myself up with and went home to do some more work on the release - when all I wanted to do was collapse on the sofa!

Wednesday, Thursday were fairly uneventful - even though though the stress of the release remained.

Friday... A day of opposites for me. It was Mrs Stace's birthday so I had taken the day off of work anyway. In the morning I was expecting confirmation of the disgnosis so I was stressed out. And then... Nothing. I called the clinic and they could not find the status of my file. I was supposed to get a call back in the afternoon, but it never happened. Such an anti-climax to the day :(

The rest of the day however went great - my in laws came over (my sister-in-law shares a birthday with her sister - just a couple of years older) and we had a great time. Good food, some great New York Cheesecake and an amount of alcohol later we had a good evening.

This weekend? Well the cold didn't attack again, so I have started running for the first time in weeks. Lets hope it stays that way for the next week!

Happy Halloween!

2011-10-31T17:43:00.000+01:00

From me :) Well my Xbox me...

Fighting Fruit

2011-10-29T10:16:00.000+02:00

Last night I decided to start paying for the Spotify Premium service (more on that later). 10 euros a month does not seem too much, and I get to play the songs on my phone and a large catalogue of songs for a relatively small amount each month.

Once I paid for the account I realized that I have an old iPhone in the living room hocked up to the stereo. I used this as an iPod for a while, but seeing as it has WiFi as well I thought that I could use it for streaming and not have to try and find a way of plugging the computers into the stereo.

I very quickly regretted that decision... I had downloaded the application to my Android phones and got it working very quickly. I was expecting the same with the iPhone - go to the app store and download the application. But things were not quite so smooth.

First off it wasn't connected to my network. So I logged into my router and added it's MAC address to the filter. OK - I am not going to count this is my complaint against the phone, I have good security on my network and it takes time to allow new devices to connect.

So MAC address entered (though it's hidden away on iOS and not that easy to find!) I tried to connect. Several times! The pasword screen refused to let me use a mixture of upper and lower case letters, so the password was always incorrect.

In the end I had to switch between the letter and number keypad each time I wanted to return to lower case letters. It took some time but I finally managed to get it to work.

Go to the app store and download the free app. Err... No. It refused to let me at first. I don't know what was wrong but if I tapped the 'free' button it turned into 'Install' - so far so good - but then when I tapped it a second time it returned to 'Free'. I had to press and hold the install button for it to actually install.

It returned me to the home screen and the app appeared to be downloading and I thought that it would be fairly quick to do. But no... Apple has changed their terms and conditions again and so you have to accept these new conditions. So I scrolled down the accept button and clicked it. And then... You have to start the damn process again! I was in the middle of downloading the app, why on earth did not carry on from where it had left off!

So back into store, download the app again and... iTunes AppStore password needed. WTF! You just let me accept terms and conditions without me confirming me who I am, but won't let me download a *free* application without my password.

OK, enter password and the app downloads. Doesn't run, but it does download. I assumed that it was an incompatibility between the app and the version of iOS so I plugged it into my apple to upgrade it to the latest version.

The upgrade went very smoothly - I really don't have anything to say about that. I plugged it in and it upgraded. Easy.

Seeing as the upgrade was going to wipe the whole machine I decided to download Spotify from iTunes rather than on the phone again. That was another set of problems. I got the password wrong twice (oops ;p) and it forced me to the Apple site to reset it. After two attempts! Fine. Did that and signed in. And it complained that the computer was not authorized for the iTunes account. It didn't offer me the chance to do it. No it made me go through a menu to do it. Where it told me that I could only authorize another two computers after this one for my iTunes account. I hope that I can easily remove authorizations without having the machines - I have no idea which the other two are!

So after the phone upgraded I tried to use it and... No. You have activate your phone. The same phone I have activated two or three times in the past! But, fine just do it. Oh no! You can't, the phone doesn't have a SIM card in it! WTF! I am not allowed to activate the phone without a SIM card! At this point I was seriously reconsidering the reuse of the kit. But, I dismantled my new phone and stuck the SIM card in the iPhone. And it didn't recognize it until a hard reset. Even then it took some time to pick it up.

Sim card in, pin code entered and activate! 'This may take several minutes.' That was an understatement, it took a bloody age!

My Desire has been annoying me a little this week - there are things that Android phone makers really have to address to really make the phones great. I was really wondering what an iPhone 4S would be like - especially the 64GB version. But after the crap I went though last night with the iPhone I will not be buying a new version in the future!

Apple - It Just Works. Eventually. When you have fought with it for hours on end. And swore like a sailer. And ran lots of updates. And swore some more.

But it is pretty (well the computers, the phones not so much...)

2011-10-27T21:16:00.000+02:00

As requested previously...

In September Mrs Stace and I went to the UK and Ireland so go to a friends wedding, and then went for a trip to the UK to see my parents and a flying visit to Leicester to see my grandparents. I think I have posted a basic description of the trip previously - but I don't think that I have posted pictures just yet...

These pictures are of the morning that we went to visit the Giants Causeway. It was wet, windy but with plenty of light - and at one point we thought we were in trouble in the cliff face; but not as much as the poor American Tourist that I had to help around the a point in the cliff where the (end of) hurricane was blowing the hardest and most randomly.

The rock of the causeway itself is amazing to look at. The black areas are dangerous, the yellow / gold are safe (when it's not in hurricane winds :p) Where they have been wet and are drying you can see the colour changing back to gold again. Whilst it the causeway was not as large as I was expecting, it was still wonderful to visit and I'd gladly go back again (but not to the Causeway Hotel!)

Here are a few non-processed (I have to put that proviso in there...) shots:

The black and gold rock of the causeway

A couple of rock pools where the water never drains

A few of the columns of the larger of the two causeways

Just to give you an idea of how windy it was on the cliff face! I never managed to capture the spray as I wanted, but this is the nicest that I have

On top of the causeway - playing with the camera position

And again :)

And again...

This one I have to play with a little longer, I was going for the ghostly water effect, but the light was too bright and even at the highest F number I could not open the shutter for long enough

Healthy(ish) Oven Chips

2011-10-17T19:08:00.000+02:00

I'm English... I love cider, salt and vinegar crisps (something Mrs Stace - and most of the other Dutch I know hate) and chips... Whenever we go back to the UK we always have to have at least one fish and chip supper - over in Holland it's impossible to find them!

Actually, there are very few ways of cooking potatoes that I actually like... Boiled I can do occasionally, but they are really not my thing. The same with mash - though I am just cooking potato and spinach mash at the moment - Dutch winter recipe. I love roast potatoes (if cooked correctly - for me that is...) and backed. The problem with the last two is they take an age to prepare and the roast are less than healthy as well.

So when I saw a recipe for chips on TV a while a go I wondered if I could adapt it to keep the crisp and fluffy texture whilst removing the need to deep fry them - we don't have a fryer in the house and I am not planning on adding one!

So I played a bit and came up with the following:

Peel the potatoes, but keep them whole, rinse them and put them on to boil. The time needed here will vary from cooker to cooker but on my induction (which boils water within about 1 minute) I do 10 minutes from turning the heat on to taking them off.

Put the pan under cold running water and make sure that the potatoes are completely cooled

Slice the potatoes into chips when cold - they should start to crumble slightly, but still retain their shape. I normally cut them in to 1cm or 2cm thick chips or wedges along the length of the potatoe

When cut dry the chips off individually and put them into a bowl. It's really important to dry them, even though it's a pain, otherwise the chips will not crisp up and stay fluffy. After the first potato worth of chips is in the bowl add 3 table spoons of oil and mix so it covers all of the chips.

Repeat with the rest of the potatoes, only adding oil when it looks like they are not being coated - don't over oil!

Put the chips onto a baking tray, making sure that they are well separated, and place in a a pre-warmed 200C oven for 15-20 minutes. They should be starting to crisp, but not colour at this stage.

Make sure that they are not stuck to the base of the tray - I always cook mine on a teflon sheet - and leave to cool.

Whilst the chips are cooling take a few cloves of garlic and roughly crush them, this will cause the skin to easily slip off, rather than trying to peel them still whole which is a nightmare :) Take some red onion and roughly chop and skin as well. Throw these randomly over the chips - use as much or little as you like to add some flavour.

Finally... Throw the chips back into the oven for another 25 minutes - or until golden brown. Serve whilst hot, with the onion and garlic (note - don't do this the day before a big meeting ;p)

With any luck you should have some light, crispy chips that are fluffy on the inside and have only used a few tablespoons of oil to prepare!

Sorry - no photos to show you how they turn out as I'm not that good at snapping food! Maybe I'll try the next time I cook them!

Stace

Bye Bye Summer!

2011-10-14T13:12:00.001+02:00

And so it seems that summer has left us for anther year... Last week I was riding the motorbike to work in glorious sunshine, and actually I was overheating in my leathers, today I am on a train in t-shirt, polo neck jumper and with my coat (albeit my summer coat) tucked into bags handles for when I have to walk from the station to the office.

I was hoping to get some beautiful autumnal shots this year, with red, orange and bronze leaves falling from the trees as they did 12 months ago, but alas it’s not going to happen. The trees in this year in Noord Holland have a decidedly brown manky look to them as opposed to the wonderful colours they had last year, and they just do not make as nice pictures; rather they are more depressing. There is still some hope I suppose - there are an amount of leaves still on the trees, should they change to nice colours I’ll grab some shots and post them!

But for now it’s back to the dark mornings, wind wet and cold that we here in Holland love so much! And maybe time to either get some heated grips fitted to the bike, or think about getting it tucked up somewhere warm and dry for the winter.

Note... Just to prove me wrong it has of course turned out to be a really nice day here... The sun is out, the windows are open and we are all back in T-Shirts!

I hate coming back from holidays!

2011-10-03T20:06:00.000+02:00

I've had this page open multiple times in the last week, and every time I have closed the screen before I saved anything because nothing is coming out...

I've been stressed beyond belief over the last week, catching up on projects that have been running whilst I was on vacation, and trying to catch the fallout from other projects that exploded during my vacation. And changes in my team that we found about about in the last couple of days that caused me stress even over my weekend. Ug.

And of course I have been working over the news from the last session at the VU over in my head - and trying to figure out what I have to get organised before the end of the year. Do you realise how many places your name is used? I am up to 29 now, and I am sure that I am not there yet. On top of this I have to figure out how I sort the different agencies in different countries, and how to make sure that the passport office fast track the passport correctly - as I will not be able to get home until they do if I come to the UK to get it!

As a result of all of that I have done nothing over the week except for work and stress, and I guess that doesn't help the blank screen syndrome I have had when opening up the new post window.

So... If you hear nothing from me for a week or so it's just because I can't think any more and am trying to relax!

Stace

PS Don't worry, I'm not depressed or anything else. I just have too much on my plate at the moment :)

Falling to bits...

2011-09-28T21:06:00.000+02:00

No, not me. Thankfully - though it's been a little bit of a coaster ride since last week I'm happy to say that I don't have that much to say at the moment.

No, this is about my rusty wreck. Whilst I was visiting my parents I took a look around the work so far, and the work remaining.

What I saw scared me - and made me ask my dad if it was actually still viable. He's adamant that it is, and that whilst it's the worst that he has seen and worked on is still doable. All it's going to take it time! And mig welding... And Oxyacetylene... And new steel. Lots of new steel!

Here's a few shots of what used to be my pride and joy!

The back...

New rear light panel and rear panel needed for this hole...

New steel!!! The drivers side floor, cross members, heel board, inner and middle sills. The outer sill is to be fitted once the floor is welded in place so that there is enough strength to stop the tub warping. Gulp.

Why there is going to be a new outer sill

And again...

The passenger floor (about the same as the drivers floor was). That is not grey paint you can see it's holes. Well OK it is grey paint. Paint from the garage floor!

On the passenger side of the car there is not enough metal left to support your weight should you try and stand in the car. And it got worse. My dad has had to rebuild the windscreen support as well.

But he assures me it'll be fine once it's finished! Fingers crossed - he hasn't let me down with a car yet!

And to finish my own efforts at gas welding, made from three different pieces of waste steel. I enjoyed trying this, and if I dare say it didn't do bad for someone having a first try. Then again I had intense one to one instruction from someone who had been doing this for 11 years before I arrived in the world :)

Update and PS: Apologies to Jenny for stealing her term 'Rusty Wreck' - though I think you'll agree it's apt!

Making my aunt cry...

2011-09-25T09:49:00.000+02:00

The last time that my parents were visiting Leicester my mum asked if she could tell her sister. This is something that she wanted to do a while ago so that she had someone close that she could talk to. At the time I told her it wasn't a problem - but she changed her mind, deciding that at the time there was no one else that needed to know.

This time she said that she said that as I have planning for transition she thought that it was time to tell her, and I agreed.

I guessed that she had told her when I got a very supportive text message from her. I was going to call her at the weekend, giving her some time to think - but she was working the whole weekend and her home phone went through to the answer phone each time I tried. The following weekend I gave her a call and we had a great chat. Some of it about Stacy, but most of it was just a catchup as I hadn't spoken to her since February when I was last in the UK. We also arranged that we would stay there for our stop over rather than with my dad's sister as we normally do.

So... We got there after a long day's drive and got settled in. Mrs Stace was not feeling well (I think I have what she had at the moment - slight dizziness and stomach cramp) and so she went to bed early, whilst I stayed up chatting about various things with my aunt.

The following day after a fish and chips supper (has to be done at least once when I am in the UK) and I asked my aunt if she wanted to meet me as Stacy - or would she rather wait until the new year. She said she would like to see me now if I didn't mind, and if I didn't mind getting changed again before her partner was back. Apparently he doesn't have too much of an issue - but has said that he would rather wait until I am living as Stacy before he meets me, because at the time he will see me as Stacy (which he doesn't yet). My therapist has told me that some people work better this way, so I said OK.

I came down after getting changed and got some nice comments from her and we got chatting. She tried on some of my shoes, as my mum had told her I have some nice ones and as she is a shoe person she wanted to try and steal some. Thankfully found she has slightly smaller feet than me so she can't :)

Anyway we got chatting again about various things, both T and non T related, and then she brought up the Livvy James story. She said that she thought it was too soon for a child to know and asked me when I knew. I told her I was four or five, and that it figures in my earliest memories. I think that this shocked her - she asked why I didn't say anything. I answered that I was scared, and given the school I went to (and the attitudes there from students and teachers alike) that I didn't think that there was anything that I could do about it.

This got her quite upset, worrying about what type of life I have had and asking what quality of life I have had. And at that point she started to cry. She came across the room to give me a big hug - though I don't know who was comforting who.

We got chatting again afterwards, but it was more chit chat than anything specific. But I think that I can say that it was an overwhelmingly positive evening.

Oh, and she has changed her mind about Livvy :)

Tired, Drained and Terrified

2011-09-23T09:45:00.000+02:00

But happy...

It's been a little quiet here the last few weeks as I have not been around - or near to an internet connection most of the time. I spent the time travelling around Ireland and the UK, and of course passing through Belgium and France on the way there and back! All in all I think that we covered something approaching 6000km in two weeks and spent nearly 80 hours behind the wheel of the car. As comfortable as the V50 is that is still a long time :)

There is the tired...

But... That's not the only reason for the title. Yesterday, about 15 hours after getting back home I had another appointment with my psychologist at the gender team. I arrived a little late - I could not quite get into gear yesterday morning and was late leaving home. At least that is what I thought. What actually happened is that I checked the time of the appointment when I was in the UK and my phone decided that as I was in a different time zone that all appointments should also be moved as well so I assumed that everything was one hour earlier than it actually was.

So I ended up doing a new thing for the first time. I ate lunch on my own as Stacy, in a restaurant. I don't like eating on my own at the best of times... So I went in, chose what turned out to be the end of worst table. I chose a table next to an open window to get some fresh air, the problem was that the wind did not blow that much but the sun did make it very hot through the windows that were not open. Thankfully I had a few appointments with a bit of a gap in between so I had a book with me - always a good defence when eating on your own and I spent what was actually a rather nice 1/2 hour eating a nice fresh sandwich.

The appointment itself was very surprising. I had no idea what was going to be discussed this time but... I arrived and my therapist started to talk about the official diagnosis, and we went though the diagnosis questionnaire and her recommendation letter to the gender team. Just like that... And so I have had my last appointment, the other appointments have been cancelled and I will only go back when I start on hormones. I have to wait until 3rd November for the gender team to discuss my case, and have to call back on the 4th to hear the official diagnosis, which will then be sent to my via post as well.

So now I wait. Or rather my therapist at the gender clinic has told me to start planning for the end of the year - when I plan to transition at work. I said I would wait until I got the official diagnosis, but she says that should be a formality.

There is the drained - it was an emotionally tough couple of hours - especially on top of the tiredness.

So that's it, I plan to transition at work the week before Christmas.

And I am terrified...

(Which I think is a good thing!)

Crazy and in confusion

2011-09-04T09:36:00.002+02:00

After week or so of really 'meh' weather, it was really wonderful on Friday and Saturday. The sun was out, it was warm and there was just the touch of a breeze to take the edge off of it when you were outside.

It was such as shame as those were two days where I could have done with it being slightly cooler and overcast! Our office air conditioning is broken (again) and so if it starts to get anywhere near pleasant outside it is almost unbearable inside once the sun hits the windows in the afternoon. Due to the fact that we are on the ground floor our windows are welded shut to try and stop people stealing our computers at night. So all we have are three tiny windows that swing open. When it's not too bad outside they work OK, but very quickly the room just gets too hot. Thankfully someone is coming in on Monday to fit a new machine.

Also, when it's nice we use the old school yard of the building as a meeting room. Friday was the perfect day for this, and yet I had to annoy people by saying I had to stay in the shade (seeing as I was starting laser again the next day the last thing I wanted was to get a tan on my face to reduce the effectivity and increase the pain).

Finally, yesterday we had to dismantle all of our dining chairs, and move an old coffee table and dining table to storage. None of which are that pleasant when it's 28 degrees with high humidity.

Last night that started to change, I checked the weather radar for Europe and saw a nice storm slowly climbing it's way north to us from France. Which is great, as we have nothing to do today so a cold overcast day where we can't use the garden is perfect!

Anyway, we went to bed last night with it still being uncomfortably warm just as the pitter patter of rain started in the windows. I had some sympathy for a neighbor - it seems they were having a last garden party last night, complete with lots of fairly lights (I had to do this for my BBQ next year) which they had to quickly take inside once the rain came (OK, I'll do it with outdoor lights!).

We got to sleep, and that's where it gets weird... I woke up at 1:30 only now the rain is hammering on the window like it's trying to get inside. I got back from a bathroom visit and it was even worse. Flash, count to 15 and then boom. OK three miles away. I struggled to get back to sleep waiting for the next strike to come, I love watching thunder storms, but they also terrify me. Or at least I thought I was struggling to get to sleep. Either we had lots of really close strikes (we do occasionally get strikes somewhere in the neighborhood where it's almost instant Flash BANG!) and a low flying plane coming in to land at Schiphol whilst struggling a little, with lots of people panicing in the street or (and I think that this is a possibility) I fell asleep without knowing and my fears came into my dream...

But I rarely have a dream as realistic as this, and it's even rarer that I can remember everything vividly the next morning. Maybe vaguely for 1/2 hour after waking up and then it all becomes hazy - but this is still there in completeness. It's a little disconcerting I have to say...

PS Virtual New York cheesecake to whoever can guess where the title is from.

Bzzz, Crackle, Bzzz

2011-09-03T21:26:00.000+02:00

And I am not referring to the sound quality of our new HD channels (the cable provider has just changed so that all normal channels are transmitted in HD - but sometimes as tonight the sound quality is not as good as it could be!!!!)

No. I am referring to the sound made by my skin this afternoon. After a summer break I started laser again. This time at a dermatologists practice, once that works with the VU Gender Clinic, and I have to say after just one visit the difference between this and the previous clinic is huge.

First off they took a good look at my skin, something that the first clinic didn't. And I mean good. A magnifying glass with a ring light attached.

Second they went over the area slower and with more precision. Look through the glass, gel, zap, scrap off gel and look through the glass to make sure that the hairs have actually been zapped. And then move to the next area. Then after doing each of the zones she checked the whole face again and zapped the hairs that hadn't been caught from the first round.

She then put on some anti-septic cream, and gave me a tube to use for the next three days morning and night to prevent any infections. We arranged another appointment and she gave me a prescription for a tube of anaesthetic to use the next time.

And throughout we had a good chat. So whilst I may be in pain, and whilst I may be 100 euros a session worse off I think it's going to be well worth it.

Just a shame that I lost all the time with the other company. Hohum. As my therapist said at least the other company caused no skin problems.

After a wonderful hour sitting in the char of the pain I got home to find my in laws dismantling out dining chairs so that we could put the old chairs and dining table into storage and pick up our new one. We have brought a green oak table - that is fresh oak not painted green ;p, with a matching set of chairs. Well, I say matching, they look the same and are from the same company - but if they are oak then I am stronger than I thought, I can pick two up with ease. I get the impression the chairs may be pine framed...

The table is most definitely oak though. It weighed a ton :) However, when we put the legs on it we found out that they had given us legs for a table 30cm bigger than the one we bought. So back to the shop. They had our legs in the warehouse. They said. It turns out they had gone walk about (no pun intended).

So they said that they would order the new legs, and I asked if we could get a discount - we now have to live for a few weeks without a dining table and take yet another trip to the shop to get the correct legs. The guy at the service desk couldn't authorise that (wtf?) and had to call the store manager who annoyed the hell out of me. 'Not our problem, we haven't supplied the wrong legs, our suppliers have.' Bull. I pointed out that we brought them from the shop and not the supplier. To be fair the guy behind the counter (NOT the manager) did what he could to help us. It turns out that the table is on special offer this week, so I said cancel the order for me. Order the table again (seeing as the they have to put an order into their supplier) and give me the discount price. I'll accept that.

I hate computers. With a passion. Actually I hate programmers and systems analysts. What should have been really simple suddenly becomes a major problem as it has to be done in such a way that the computer accepts it. So rather than it taking a couple of minutes it took nearly 45. But it was done, and we got a substantial amount of money back. So we just have to live as students for a while and eat from our laps.

This evening we were supposed to be going to the culinary exhibition in the town centre, but as we were both tired from fighting the shop we decided to just eat in. A table cloth on the (admittedly oversized) coffee table, and a spread of Chinese take away food looked very cute. I'm sure we'll cope :)

Ow ow ow, ow ow ow

2011-08-31T20:23:00.000+02:00

So for a while now a colleague of mine has been saying we should go climbing. About 14 years ago I did my 10 week basic course and got my 'yes you know how to climb safely' card meaning that I could go into any climbing center in the UK and climb without having to do their introductory course.

But, that was not long before I left the country, and my life has been too hectic to make any kind of long term commitment needed to improve my ability. I did a few weeks here, wait a few years and then do a few more years, another gap and try again.

Today I went with my colleague (actually I have only just got home) and tried again. After a gap of more than 7 years. I found my climbing kit yesterday and gave it a clean. Well I say kit. Shoes and chalk bag is a better description.

We got there and I remembered just how much the shoes hurt! Heels have nothing compared with a decent pair of climbing shoes!

We tried a few different climbs, and my arms started to seriously hurt. I had forgotten that too :) Not only is my technique awful, but my arms are not used to that type of punishment.

After 7 climbs (and a couple of hours) I called it a day. The pain was too much and I could barely manage the easy ones! But it was great fun - and we are going to try and make a regular thing of it. Hopefully I can get to the point where I do not struggle to type when I am done!

I need a new weekend!

2011-08-28T14:24:00.000+02:00

Every year I throw a bring your own BBQ for the my department (plus partners). I do a bring a steak, bring a bottle just because that way I don't stress about who is going to turn up. If they do we have food, and if they don't we are not wasting anything.

So yesterday was spent playing with the new computer, cleaning the house and garden, taking a Volvo full of stuff to the local tip and putting up a couple of party tents in case it rained.

I've thrown this BBQ for the last 5 years and it has rained every single year. This year was no exception - it came down in torrents (OK not New York / New Jersey torrents, but a lot!) But everyone seemed to have a good time, we ate, drank and were merry. I managed to keep track of what I was drinking so I had much less than I have in the past. I didn't eat too much meat either, I was actually a little proud of myself for not going all out. Until the cup cakes someone brought for dessert came out. I had 1 chocolate, 1 lemon, 1 blueberry and then another chocolate. And then felt really guilty!

We got the garden fire out once the rain stopped a little and it started to get dark got that going to keep everyone warm.

As we are all starting to get a little older people start leaving earlier - in the first couple of years people stayed until 2ish, yesterday most people were gone by midnight, and the last left at 1ish. A friend of Mrs Stace was staying with us, rather than catching a train home, and the three of us chatted away until nearly 2. I knew when we went to bed that it was too late and I was going to regret it, and indeed I do! I'm exhausted! I feel like I have lungfuls of smoke from the fire, and that I need to go back to bed!

Thankfully everything was left quite clean outside, and we can't dismantle the tents until they dry (June next year?) we just have the Kitchen to sort out. Also not really that much of a problem, I just have to get off the sofa to do it...

I guess I had better do that now, my parents-in-law are coming for a drink in half an hour. I hope that I can stay awake whilst they are here!

Less than a day... Good and bad...

2011-08-27T15:17:00.000+02:00

Well, I've now been a Mac owner for a little less than a day. I am beginning to learn things (like how to move the cursor by more than a single character at a time) and am playing with various bits and pieces to see test how things work.

I thought I'd put a quick good and bad points list together. I though that it would be good to come back in a few weeks and see whether I still stand by them.

Always bad news first...

Installations are just a little bit annoying. Well, very annoying actually. Office installed like a dream (almost), where as Flash and Chrome were a pain in the neck! It just wasn't intuitive for me how it installed - and what I had to do. And once Chrome was installed I couldn't find the app! I got it in the end, but it was more random clicking than actually figuring out what to do.

Updates... I opened the machine and immediately installed the free upgrade to Lion (The hoops apple made me jump through to get that onto the machine made me want to throw the machine out of the window!). And then... About a GB worth of updates. All of which required reboots. So much for starting it out of the box without all of the updates that Windows needs...

It crashed on me! One of the updates made it restart, and then it just made the bong noise over and over with a blank grey screen. As it said 'Do not power off during this update' I dared not restart the machine. In the end I had to hard power off to get it to do anything. It did reboot fine (phew!) but not the start I had hoped for!

OK then the good news!

The track pad is a joy to use. Why Windows machines cannot fit a decent sized trackpad is beyond me. The one on the Mac is a decent size, responds well and doesn't accidentally click for no reason. I like it a lot!

Scrolling and zooming work as I would expect. Well scrolling more than Zooming, but neither of them are bad. On Windows machines scrolling and zooming via the trackpad are always a bit hit and miss. The zoom never responds how you would expect and there is an unacceptable lag there. Scrolling is jerky, will it won't it and so annoying that I rarely use it. On the Mac it's smooth, responsive and is exactly how you would expect.

The screen is on a par with the other laptops that we have in the house, for a machine that is only just four figures I think it is better than I was expecting. Well, that's an understatement - looking at the Snow Leopard picture that comes with it is just superb!

And finally, the information that OSX gives back for the battery is so nice. Time to charge is something that I find so useful, not that it has 10% left to charge, but 10 minutes.

Well, I hope that no one finds that list either gushing, or insulting. Overall it's a probably about as good as I was expecting.

Here is the new, same as the old

2011-08-26T21:46:00.000+02:00

You may remember that I am not a fan of Apple. I dislike their business practices, I dislike that their rabid fanbois refuse to accept that they make shiny toys in sweatshops and that their kit does in fact also break.

I dislike that when I asked for help fixing my father in laws MacBook Pro I was told "It can't be the mac, the router must be broken. Macs just work." You now what, they don't. They are a computer and they are just as annoying as any other computer! And believe me I have tried a number of them over the few decades! And now I feel old!

Anyway, getting back to my subject a little. After all that I say I dislike them (you could even say hate...) I am also not a Linux or MS fangirl. Linux annoys me, it's fine for my geek side - but I don't want a geek machine at home, I want a machine I can easily use. MS is just MS. Windows 7 is great, as long as you have a blank install without the standard bloatware you get when you buy a new machine. XP wasn't bad. 2000 was good for the time and the less said about ME the better!

Every time I have looked at machines I have given some thought to trying a Mac, but the sheer cost of them to other machines (for no benefit other than an Apple logo) has sent me back to either Asus or Sony Vaio machines. For example when I replaced my DTR earlier this year it would have been 800 euros more for the Apple for something with a generation older processor, less memory, a smaller slower drive and no BluRay writer.

Well, this is being written on a MacBook Pro 13.3" entry level machine. The reason - cost! It is +/- the same price as the Sony or the Asus equivalent and has a metal case. The specs are slightly less - but it's close enough for me to take the plunge. Especially with 100 euros off :)

So far my feelings of boot up and upgrading the OS to Lion are that of this is indeed another computer. We'll see how I feel later, but for now it's nice. But just as nice as my other machines.

Oh one last thing... Mac minutes are the same as MS minutes it seems :) Installing Lion was going to take 33 minutes. I don't know how long it took but the minutes went up and down like a yoyo. 14 minutes stayed on the screen for a few seconds and 'Less than a minute' for about 5 :)

Here is the new, same as the old ;p

Icky Mouse!

2011-08-21T11:29:00.000+02:00

Midway through the vacation in France we took a trip to EuroDisney - or as I think it's officially known these days "Disneyland Paris'.

I have to admit I was a bit hesitant about this part of the trip. I love roller coasters, and in times past we would have made lots of trips to Alton Towers in the UK when on vacation. Where we would have done ride after ride after ride until we were about ready to throw up! But I always though that Disney was more about the Disney and less about the screaming.

It didn't help that we were only going for one day, and so only doing one park (why they split it into multiple parks is beyond me - apart from the be able to charge more of course!). And... The park that we were doing was Disney and not the Movie park with the 'Tower of Terror' and other big rides.

And so we turned up went though the gates and onto 'Main Street'. I can say I was immediately impressed with how well turned out the park is! That first street makes such an impression when you walk walk into the park. The buildings look impressive, it is *so* clean (other theme parks should really take note of this - I can't believe how clean Disneyland is) and really is like walking into a different country.

The first thing we did was stop for coffee whilst looking at the map. And that was my first disappointment. I love coffee. I'm a coffee addict, coffee snob and even took my espresso machine on vacation with us. So when I saw the 'Segafredo' sign I was over the moon. Nice Italian coffee beans, that produce a smooth coffee that is not too bitter.

I couldn't finish the cup of coffee is was that bad! I never realised that Segafredo did instant coffee, but I do know that their instant coffee is as bad as everyone else's! Add to that chemical foam instead frothy milk and the disappointment was complete! Hohum...

Anyway... We left the cafe and split up. My in-laws went to the fantasy land with my niece and nephew and Mrs Stace and I went to the Indiana Jones ride. We met long queues for the first time. 50 minutes wait before you could ride. But... Disney have queues absolutely nailed - again other theme parks really need to learn from this! I don't know how they do it, but you seem to spend your time constantly moving in the queue rather than standing followed by shuffling, followed by standing still again for a long time. We thought that had the wait time wrong when we got to the front of the queue and that it was only 1/2 an hour or so, but no it really was 50 minutes, it just felt faster.

The ride was stunning, we managed to get the front seat and as it's supposed to be a mine cart you have nothing in front of you unlike a normal roller coaster so it adds to the fear factor. Brilliant!

After we went to find the others - they were waiting for the Dumbo ride; amazingly enough they had an even longer wait than the adult rides! And were still queuing for 30 minutes *after* we found them again. They must have been in that queue for more than 90 minutes! I'm amazed that a 5 year old and 2 year old coped with such a long wait.

A wander around looking for food followed, and again another disappointment. The food was terrible, I had a ham and cheese baguette that tasted like it had been made a couple of days earlier and left in the fridge. Awful! I did like the look their toasted snacks that was the first choice, but I went to the loo and when I came back plans had changed and we were eating awful sandwiches. Again hohum.

We split up again in the afternoon and Mrs Stace and I went on Space Mountain: Mission 2, which is fantastic! The acceleration at the start is phenomenal! From the outside when you wait it looks rather lacklustre, but when actually in the ride it pins you to your seat.

After that we tried Star Tours. The only ride we did where the wait time seemed terrible - but that may have been because we were worried about getting back for the others. Whilst waiting were were worried that the ride was not going to be worth it - the intro seemed a little cliche... But it was really fun. A simulator with some Star Wars type footage. It's amazing how your brain can be tricked by visual stimulation and slight movement!

We had some Ben and Jerry's ice cream - really good value, and easily the best tasting food of the day as well and met up with the others again. For the rest of the afternoon we went on rides with the kids. It's a small world, a boat ride though the fairy tales of Disney and a kids roller coaster.

We waited for the parade (really good, even if the text used in their songs was a little creepy) - and again the organisational aspect was shown off fantastically. As soon as the last float went past the road was clear and you wouldn't have known that a parade had just taken place. Amazing!

We had our evening meal, and again a huge disappointment. Microwaved supermarket pizza for restaurant prices. Quite how they can have some things so amazing in value and quality and others are so terrible I have no idea!

Then we watched the Mickey Mouse wizard show, with the Genie from Aladdin, the fairy godmother from sleeping beauty and all the princesses. I had my niece on my shoulders for the whole thing so she could see. It was a great show. The they day was over, we did a little shopping and went back to the caravan.

And we slept really soundly! 11 hours of walking, standing and rising coasters really takes it toll! But a great day - I would like to go back just Mrs Stace and me so we could do both parks and try to do more of the coasters!

Why Icky Mouse? Well my nephew can't say Mickey yet. It's so cute he starts shouting 'Icky Mouse, Icky Mouse!'

As we were going to be doing roller coasters I didn't take my camera with me, so no shots this time I'm afraid! I was going to post pictures of the mementos we brought, but I can't find any on-line. I'll try to get some shots and repost :)

Provins - A Walled Town

2011-08-13T10:55:00.000+02:00

Well after the brief interlude of all this weeks excitement, I thought I'd get back to the recent trip to France!

The evening after spending the day with the cats we went back to the camp site and had a relaxing evening on the patio. We had a pleasant meal in the outdoor air. Well the food was pleasant, the visitors that we had were less so! I have always had a thing against wasps, they freak me out and I constantly panic at the thought of getting stung.

The next day we visited a small town called Provins, situated about 50km's from the camp site where we were staying. It is a small, medieval, walled town that has the distinction of not growing outside of it's original walls. Well barely growing out of it anyway - if you take a look at Google earth you can see that it's starting to grow.

We arrived and started with a gentle stroll to the town gate (taking copious amounts of photos of course) taking in the centuries old Ramparts and towers timber framed buildings. It is really amazing that this is a working, living town still and yet as you walk up the street from the visitors centre to the town gate it is still a castle wall surrounded by countryside.

We found the town square and picked which of the crepe houses we wanted to eat at. I had never realised that there was so much choice! Brittany, Normandy and other styles were available there. I'm ashamed to say that I have forgotten what style we chose, but it was very nice! Crepe with egg and ham inside it. It was delicious!

After lunch we took a walk around the church, and a tour of the keep later (complete with a couple of vertigo dizzy spells when at the top).

To finish off the day we decided to do the 'train' tour. It's a small van converted to look like a train with several carriages hanging off of it. Very cliché I know, but it meant that we could sit down and see what we had missed; and get some information on the buildings that we had seen during the day. There were some more great views to be seen from the roads outside of the town that we would never have gotten by foot - but it was probably the most uncomfortable ride of the week (including the Disney roller coasters) as the suspension of the trailers behind the engine unit seemed to be from the same period as the town!

Here are my photos taken in and around the town:

Wonderful SMSs

2011-08-12T21:54:00.000+02:00

When I first told my parents about me 18 months ago one of the things that my mum said is that she wanted to tell her youngest sister so she had someone to talk to. Her sister is trust worthy, good with secrets and open minded.

I said that I had nothing against the plan - she needs someone to talk to, and it being a family member is probably not a bad idea (one of her friends know, but it's not the same really is it?). Anyway, it came to nothing as my mum decided that she would wait. I said don't not do it for me, but if you don't want to do it yet that's also fine.

Fast forward to know, and the place I am in at the moment and she decided that she would do it. I am guessing that it happened this week, shortly before I got this text message:

Hi there Stacey. Just to let you know you are always welcome here, and if you ever need a chat I'm here for you. Love you x x x x x x

I just wanted to share that with you all. I feel really lucky to have the family that I have, even if they are 800 to 1600 km's away!

Of course there is another aunt that that they were going to speak to this week. It's the one that I stay with all the time when I go the the UK... No text from her yet - though I can't think that it went badly otherwise they would have called me. I assume. I'll speak to them at the weekend and see how it went (or if they decided not to tell her yet after all)

I feel so guilty!

2011-08-11T16:48:00.000+02:00

I had an external meeting this morning at one of our suppliers; we are looking into changing our database server and wanted to know what the possibilities are. As it's a difficult thing to get across via email between 4 people I thought it would be a better idea to get everyone around the same table and get some ideas flowing.

I arrived a few minutes before the DBA, buzzed the reception and let them know who I was there to visit and was let into the car park. Seeing as I had a few minutes before he would arrive I spent my time checking mails and blogs (Smart phones are wonderful, I hate being without mine now - though Mrs Stace does not always see it that way when I am constantly checking it in the evenings...)

Anyway back to the story, the DBA arrived and we had a quick chat about what we wanted from the meeting and went inside. At the reception and let them know we were there, got our visitor badges and waited for out service manager to come down and take us to the meeting room.

When he arrived he was started a conversation with the receptionist about another visitor - I only caught half the conversation but it seems that someone was missing. I assumed that this would be their logistic and architecture guru who was going to tell us what our options were; after all they are spread across multiple locations and it is not unlikely that they would have to travel across Amsterdam to get to the meeting.

He collected the DBA and myself and led us through the meeting room where he explained that we may be joined by a mystery guest! Apparently a woman had buzzed to be let into the car park 5 or 10 minutes before we walked into reception but the only people to walk into the building were my colleague and myself. It was a mystery as he was not expecting any other external visitors that day.

I worked out the time in my head and almost cracked up. It was me. I had buzzed reception and then waited for my colleague to arrive - which was 5 or 10 minutes. Then we walked into the building together and she must have assumed that we arrived together. Whilst waiting in the car park there was no one else who arrived.

Why the guilt? There were three other people in the room who didn't know this and I could not explain it to them either - I'm not that out yet! When we left they were still trying to work out who it could have been. I did tell the DBA when we left, after all he knows Stacy, and he cracked up - he assumed I had accidentally said Stacy when arriving - to be honest I didn't say anything, just that I had a meeting with the service manager.

But the fact that it happened really made for a wonderful morning. There is nothing like a little validation when you are not looking for it that can perk you up!

Le parc des félins

2011-08-08T20:24:00.000+02:00

On with the travelogue...

On the first day it was decided to go and see some cats. Apparently there was someone who kept a couple not far from the camp site and so we loaded the cars up and left. Mrs Stace went with her parents and our niece whilst I went with my sister in law and kept my nephew entertained. Rather than take three cars everywhere we thought it was best just to fill two of them to the brim.

Not long after we arrived at Le parc des félins, in fact the entrance was quite well concealed so we nearly went straight past it :)

Parked, camera on my back (and nearly falling over! My kit weighs a ton!) we went in. Seeing as the cars sleep around midday we started with a picnic - something that seems very well catered for around that part of France, everywhere we went they provided covered areas to eat your own food. Fresh baguette with brie and ham makes a wonderful lunch. The problem (as with every other lunch over the vacation) was wasps - there were hundreds of the things, and I do not do well with them. Or should I say I panic at wasps almost more than anything else. I can't stand the things!

Still we finished lunch, and started to try and find the cats. Apparently there are over 120 species of them, in a very large park. The first enclosure was for Cheaters, and they did! We scanned the area for 10 minutes, searching for the slightest movement, anything that could look like a living creature.

Hahahahahahahahahaha

Thinking that they were likely to still be sleeping we gave up and move on. Then whilst looking at the Lions we notice these Cheaters relaxing next to the fence on the other side. I managed to get a few shots off and then moved on to the Lions. We walked for the rest of the day, trying to spot the cats in the various enclosures. It was a great day, but at the end of it we were all quite pleased to get back into the cars and get off of our feet!

Here's some shots - sorry, but after a couple I lost track of the names of each of them. I'll number them, if you can give me any names please feel free :)

1 - OK not actually a cat :)

2 - The Cheater

3 - No points for this one

4 - Or this one

5 - OK This one I have no idea

6 - Nor this, but isn't it cute?

7 - Extra points for the sub species

8 - Spot the cat

9 - Any ideas?

10 - Not the same as before

12 - But this is the same as 11

13 - I'm glad I don't have to brush this one!

14 - Just chilling

15 - Possibly the same as 2...

Well that month went fast...

2011-08-06T10:39:00.000+02:00

I hadn't realised that it had been a month since I did a successful post... Things have been a little busy here - getting ready to go on vacation (and going away for a week) and general life has just got in the way and my muse was present to start a couple of posts, but left before I had a chance to finish and post them...

Anyway... For the catch up let's start with a few vacation posts (see if I manage them all!)

Last week was spent in a static caravan in 'Crecy la Chapelle', a small village / town about 10 miles away from EuroDisney. The reason for the holiday was the 40th anniversary of Mrs Stace's parents. So the whole family joined them on holiday for a week.

Getting there was a breeze - much easier than I was expecting, at least for the first 510km's; the last 3 were a nightmare. We started the journey with stress - the street of the camping site was a little outside of the town itself and so couldn't be easily found in the sat nav that we have. Still, point to the town and see where we go from there. Mrs Stace called her parents for directions once we got there and it seemed easy enough - turn right at the only church you come across.

We drove across Holland, Belgium and into France without any traffic issues at all - we were warned about several by the sat nav, but by the time we reached that point it was cleared. Even Antwerp was clear - that is normally a nightmare when we go the the UK!

Through France at a constant 130kmph on the AutoRoute - it may be expensive (15 euros toll from the border to Paris on the A1, and 2 euros to pass EuroDisney) but the roads were nice to drive on.

Getting to Crecy and oh dear... Firstly, everyone knows how traffic lights work, right? Red, red and amber (in the UK at least, not on the continent), green, amber and then back to red. Well in France they have a different system in some places. Red, Red and amber (but not the normal amber of the light, a new fourth amber at the bottom of the light!!!) that flashes whilst the light is on red to say go if it's safe. If it wasn't for the two French cars in front of us I would not have known and would have had some angry people behind me at the lights :) As it was I thought 'Whoa, someone doesn't doesn't like to wait for the lights' as the first car went. When the second followed I thought more 'hmm, one person jumping the lights I can see, but not two' and then I started to scan the lights to see anything that could explain it. I spotted the (very dim) flashing amber and assumed that mean I could go if it was clear. In the week there I never saw that light on green...

In the village itself we found two churches - but neither of them on the side of the road and so went round and round in circles trying to find out where we should be... At some point Mrs Stace saw the sign for a camp site and we just assumed there could only be one. At a few junctions we had to take an educated guesses where they decided that people didn't need to know which way to go and lo and behold we left the town onto the ring road we were originally driving on and there was Church. On the right was the camp site... If we had not seen the sign for the village and left the main road we would have got there about 1/2 earlier than we did - and less stressed!

The camp site was a revelation for me. I though that the Brits had a problem integrating on holiday - it seems that the Dutch can take it a step further! The camp site was 95% Dutch and was ran for the Dutch - all the signs were first Dutch, then French, Germand and English. Funnily enough the staff were not - so whilst the signs were Dutch you couldn't ask for what was written - you needed to translate it into French :)

Well I guess that's long enough for now - here's some sample shots of the week :)

Our caravan on the first night

A Cheater from the Cat Park we visited on the first day

The keep from one of the small towns we visited - I'll remember the name at some point I am sure

The last day in Paris - Arc de Triumph

You don't really need to know what this on is do you?

MotoGP

2011-07-10T22:25:00.000+02:00

OK, after a number of serious posts here's something more fun (for me anyway...)

A few more of my choice shots from the MotoGP in Assen. Not always perfectly sharp, and I have played with the saturation and brightness in some cases (maybe for the worse... I was playing and experimenting!). Without fail they have been clipped though to make (what I think) is the best of the framing.

I hope they bring the excitement of the day across as much as they bring it back to me!

Dovi after the race (unprocessed)

Close up of the above shot to see his eyes

Jorge during the race, with damage from the crash with Simo, very slightly processed

Rossi going past Hayden, rotated but otherwise untouched

Rossi going past Hayden a second or so later, a little processed - but not much

Rossi going past Edwards (IIRC) I don't think I have to say if this one has been processed!

And end with Simo, complete with flapping bits at the back from his accident. Again, a little processed but not much

Well I guess I don’t need to worry about that then…

2011-07-09T14:47:00.000+02:00

This week we decided to change our internet provider, we have just had a glass fibre connection installed and so we started to look at options. Strangely enough at the moment getting a connection via that is not the best option – but as it was free fitting now, or 400 in the future we thought that there was no point in turning it down.

So earlier in the week we put the order in with the cable provider – TV, phone and internet for less than we are paying at the moment, cheaper calls and on top of that supremely quick connection (120mpbs down and 10 up – fibre would have given us a balanced 50mbps connection for the same money).

We never received a confirmation letter saying that we had our installation date and so I decided to call today, and also to our current provider to see what we can do to cancel the current internet provider but not lose the email that we have had for the last 7 years.

I called the current provider first. Told her who I was and gave her the information to pull me details up – where she can see the ‘m’ marker and my name. Still got Mrs the whole time…

After that I called the cable provider to see what had happened with our order. Here I was very happy, but it was also quite bad customer service - only the situation making it acceptable.

This is something a little official, and Stacy is not yet official so when she called me madam I correct her. ‘Oh, OK sir’. She told me that the order was lost in the system (not a great start to find out that the web order has disappeared into the ether) and that we would have to put the order in a second time. ‘So Madam, which package did you want?’ I didn’t correct her a second time and she never switched back from Madam.

So… Happy because even when I corrected her she still insisted on calling me Madam – as Mrs Stace said afterwards ‘Yes, that is going to annoy you isn’t it?’ Dripping in sarcasm obviously… But what did annoy me was that she didn’t listen when I corrected her. It’s fine that I am over the moon with it; but I know that the rest of my colleagues would be much less than impressed to have been ignored.

But let’s focus on the good side, if the phone is the hardest test for the voice on the phone then I don’t think I need to worry. I’ll have to take that up with my therapist – should I still go to a voice coach to improve it? Or if the voice is taken as female on the phone should I live with what I have and not have to change another part of me? Is it going to be an issue for those who know him to have the voice that they put with him as her? I do know that people who know me in person say that they can’t hear a woman when I speak.

I know that my other therapist (Mrs Stace thinks I’m greedy in having two) was saying in my last session that my voice and my Adams apple were no barrier, and that when I speak it’s not giving me away at all…

Something to think about….

A day later, a slightly different world

2011-07-08T22:17:00.000+02:00

(Apologies to Jenny - this is basically an expanded version of the mail I sent to you yesterday...)

As I posted yesterday I met with my boss, my ex-boss and the woman from HR. It was something that scared me immensely - almost as much as telling family in fact. I guess that having an income and a job I really enjoy is also really important...

I spent most of the day wanting to be sick and struggling to concentrate on my work (and either the cold is making a comeback or the stress has started to really get into my throat). The throat is still there, and I am shattered - whether it is as a result of the stress or an actual cold I am not sure...

I got changed after work, something that took more time than normal - as it was hot and I was stressed things did not go quite as they should. But after spending too long, and using too much hair spray, my hair was something approaching what it should be. I know I sound really vain, but having good hair and make-up gives such a massive boost to my confidence still. I wonder when I won't need it as much and I can be up and out in a similar time to Mrs Stace in the mornings (she takes less time than me as him, let alone Stacy and still looks amazing!)

Then when I left I found out that there was a vehicle fire on the motorway and I needed to take a back road detour - what can I say thank god for a friend who pointed me in the right direction to start with and the SatNav which took me the rest of the way.

I got there, went inside and got the table that I had reserved and sat to wait - I have to say it was so great to walk into a place and say 'Hi, I have a table reserved for four people, in the name of Stacy'; and to get no strange looks at the same time it was a bit of icing on the cake. It wasn't long before my ex boss turned up, he is on vacation today (he leaves for Italy tomorrow) but wanted to come to the meeting as well, after all he has been involved in this now for nearly 18 months.

He commented that it was a little strange in that we have known each other for more than 5 years and it was still me, but it was also meeting me for the first time. We got chatting about various things when the HR woman turned up. "You look so different than the image I have in my head, and I mean that in the best possible way!" I'll take that as a compliment. I know that she was concerned about meeting me, I had kind of assumed that was going to be part of the problem - the other being that there was no agenda or real aim for the meeting besides introducing Stacy to them. She did say that she knew I had told her that I was not a drag queen, but a more out there image was still making its way into her head. I won't blame her for that.

My current boss was late, something last minute happened in the office so he was a few mins late leaving. He got there, and basically said the same as the HR woman.

We discussed plans for the new year (the point that I expect to transition) and where we expected the problems to come from. We are an open company, and I think that it will not be a problem per say, but you never know.

As my boss said, the company is responsible for my well-being in the office and obviously they will make sure that I do not suffer any crap from anyone (not his wording, but close enough). His concern is from people within my team - where the same rule applies obviously - should someone not take kindly to it and refuse to be led by me. They will be told in no uncertain terms should that happen - but it's not good for my standing as team lead for someone to have to step in. Hopefully it will not come to that.

At this point I got a wonderful compliment from the HR woman. In the week between the company being told and me returning to work there are likely to be many discussions (obviously) but seeing as how I look she doesn’t expect any the moment I return to work. That was very nice to hear, from both view points.

We discussed how to let the full management team know, and how we should tackle it. Whether to tell them a day before it goes public - or whether to tell them before hand. Or tell them with the rest of the company. I think that I am going to take this up with my therapist as I really am not sure. I do not expect any issues from them though.

The HR woman also asked who did my hair and make up now. I said that I did everything myself (except cutting it obviously) - 'Wow, oh well done - you do a great job!' I think I may have been smiling at that point.

After that it was more a discussion about this that and the other. All in all a nice couple of hours spent in what would be the equivalent of an beer garden in England overlooking the Dutch countryside.

On the way home I was stuck in the traffic jam caused by the lorry fire earlier in the day - it had completely burnt out and damaged the asphalt, so they had to close down most of the motorway and it caused a 8km 1 hour traffic jam. Whilst I was stuck I called my parents and had a quick chat. My mum was happy with how everything went and asked me an interesting question. Given what everyone who has met Stacy has said, at what point am I going to believe it and stop stressing before going out???

Gulp, stress

2011-07-07T13:59:00.000+02:00

I am a couple of hours from meeting my boss and the woman from HR as Stace for the first time.

Trying to concentrate on coding is not going well...

Gulp.

Well the neighbours know...

2011-06-29T21:29:00.000+02:00

This weekend we went for a long weekend away. I left on Friday with my brother in law to go to Assen to watch the Dutch MotoGP. We watched the final practice and qualification and then went to our little house (normally we camp, but this time we decided to rough it in a 6 person bungalow :p). We sat in the relaxing peaceful garden in the middle of the woods chatting and listening to nature. That is a huge change from a camp site closer to the track where you spend the night listening to engines being destroyed...

The next morning we left early to get back to the track after a full English breakfast (one of the only times I treat myself to one all year). At the track we watched the warm up and then went for a walk to get coffee (there was one decent coffee tent and it was about 8km total walk from our seats. And no that is not an exaggeration. But the coffee was worth it :)

The racing in 125 and Moto2 was spectacular with the lead changing constantly. Wonderful to watch. MotoGP was impressive as always, thought the racing was not spectacular. We got superb seats this time though, the corner where our stand was seemed to have the most overtakes.

So the races left and after being stuck in the car parks for a couple of hours whilst the traffic people totally failed to direct the traffic in anyway what so ever. In fact some of the people walking managed to do a better job... Worst part of he weekend!

Anyway, we left and got back to the flat where Mrs Stace, her sister and my neice and nephew had arrived and were busy sorting food (there is a reason why we had a house this time and were not on a cheap camp site!) We had a lovely meal and spent the evening chatting and drinking.

On Sunday we went with the kids to a fairytale park where they had a fantastic time and we enjoyed playing with them. There was also a an amount of working out trying to keep up with my niece whilst she was playing in the climbing thing that they had (about the size of two houses put together like a maze, I have to admit it was fun - but I was shattered and she had barely started and I consider myself fit!)

Swimming when we got back to the camp site and I managed to pull a muscle keeping my niece entertained (twirling her around on a large float and my side suddenly went pop). And I was stuck in pain for the rest of the evening :)

On Monday we came home and I got changed (I am spending more time as Stacy these days, as per my post yesterday) and we went food shopping for the week.

We got home, and whilst emptying the car our neighbours 14(ish) year old daughter came out to get something from their car. She stood up very well I think. We are not really on better terms than 'Hello' anyway (what is it with modern life that means you no longer know your neighbours) and so I wouldn't have expected more than that. I didn't get that, but I didn't get more than a bit of a confused look from her either.

I think it's safe to say that my neighbours know about Stacy now... Oh well it had to happen - we'll see what the fall out is. On the bright side I can now sit in the sun in the garden without worrying about the implications for Mrs Stace (getting caught for a good reason is one thing, but to sit in the garden seemed like asking for trouble in my mind. Stupid I know, but I thought it was fairer to her).

Of course living with the implications for myself is different... I had a, er, distinct sunbrun pattern on my upper body this morning - the neckline on Stacy's clothing is a little different to my normal clothes. Thankfully I always wear shirts with a high neck as him so it wasn't visible :)

And something to leave you with... My MotoGP hero! (a quick selection from the 600 I took over the weekend, long live digital SLR's where you can take what you want without worrying about the cost of getting the film developed!)

Wow two weeks...

2011-06-28T21:38:00.000+02:00

It's been a couple of weeks since I last posted. I guess I am struggling for words at the moment. You see I have enough going on at the moment, and it's difficult to talk about it.

Whilst a lot of you have in the past asked *the* question and I have always said no I'm not. Well that's changed. I am. Probably. Always add the get out clause. But I don't want any woohoo's or any bad lucks. It is. There is no elation and there is no depression. What there is though is relief that I have finally made the decision. Everyone who knows about me had already guessed - I was the one who came to the conclusion last.

So that is why I have been quiet (in between writing mindless drivel ;p). I didn't want the fuss, but almost everything I've wanted to say either gives the game away or at least makes for questions. So I have not said anything. Well I've said it now.

Next week my boss and the HR team lead meet Stacy after work. They have known about Stacy for a while, and known about the decision for a while as well. It's about time they meet her.

Anyway, that's enough from me for today. I'm going to stop before my make up drips onto the backlit keyboard. Time to watch the fireworks laid on by mother nature.

Stace

New drives, dead drives and lost drives...

2011-06-13T21:33:00.000+02:00

Tech post again!

Recently I got totally fed up with my ultra portable machine refusing to do what I wanted it to do, when I wanted it to do it. I had noticed that the HDD light was on for a long time whenever I tried to open an application - or after logon before the desktop was actually available to use.

So seeing as I knew the machine had a 1.8" iPod drive fitted to it (for power and size reasons) I thought that it needed changing for something with a little more kick. I thought I'd take the SSD route.

After a few months of research (the fact that it is so small makes it really difficult to find the right one) and ordered it from Amazon.

Last week it arrived and I spent an evening imaging up the old drive, removing the countless screws, hatches and covers that hold it together - why can't they make small computers like big ones! Fitting a new HDD to the DTR's that we have for home use is three screws and 10 minutes work. This was about an hour to do start to finish.

Then I restored the image to the new drive. That took an age! 100GB in about 3 hours! So I didn't really have a chance to test it beyond a quick reboot to see how it worked.

Or so I thought. Quick was not the phrase that jumped to mind. Mind numbingly slow... Booting to the login screen was quick - 30 seconds or so. Then there was a 10 minute wait to reach the point of a usable machine. Oh dear...

Contacted the seller via Amazon, looked for tips online and asked my colleagues for help. A bit of tuning got something reasonable - but still far to slow for the cost of the SSD drive. And so today I decided to bite the bullet and do a full restore of the drive.

SUCCESS!!! Installing Windows 7 from a bootable USB drive took only 15 minutes or so. Another 30 mins for the updates needed and... Viola! From power button to surfing in less than 60 seconds! That is what I was hoping for from an SSD!

Now I just have to install SQL Server, TFS 2010, Visual Studio 2010 and Office. And that is where the lost and dead drives come in. When I replaced my DTR I got a USB 3 drive for back-ups. That seems to be dead now. Nothing, followed by more nothing. Then a little wait. Then the wonderful 'This drive needs to be formatted before it can be used'. Damn. That contains my backups and install media. I have searched my other back up drives and found other backups of the media. What I don't have is all of the product keys.

They must be on some other backup drive that I have lost. So I now have a super fast machine that has nothing except browser software installed. I guess I know what I am doing this weekend!

Less is more

2011-06-11T18:18:00.000+02:00

Well actually that's not quite what I wanted to write - but that is the closest that's the phrase so I am stuck :)

Actually what I wanted to write is 'More is less', or 'More means less' or 'Less means more means less...' Yes, that last one will do...

Just before my parents arrived I had my 6th, and possibly last session of laser (certainly the last before the autumn). For the next week it was a bit of a nightmare (as I wrote about with picking up my parents). But the day before they went home they spent the day with Stacy again and it was *much* better. To the point where I had little foundation on - little enough that I could leave the lipstick alone.

And the key is confidence. I felt I didn't need to be caked in order to be me. So less thick, dark, visible hair equals more confidence about myself equals less make up... And what's more looking in the mirror in less make up and being happy gives another confidence boost. In that way it's been a very good week :)

Something weird has happened this week though... For some reason the visits to this blog have sky rocketed - from 10 or 20 visits per day to 200. Now whilst I am flattered - I am also assuming that something has gone very wrong with the way that the visits are calculated :)

And breath!!!

2011-06-06T21:15:00.000+02:00

This morning I got up for work, rushed around the house and got ready for work.

I dropped Mrs Stace off at the train station on the way. And then dropped my parents at the airport.

They went back after a weeks visit and I was just about in tears as I carried on to work. There are definitely times when living 1600km's from your close family is too much. And when leaving them each time it becomes very difficult. I imagine that my parents were in the same place after I dropped them off.

We had a great week, didn't do everything that we wanted to - but we did spend a lot of time talking and laughing.

But it was very tiring - I love them dearly and really don't want to have to wait until September before I see them again - but 7 days living with them again can get quite overwhelming at times. I think I may go to bed early tonight and may just sleep well :)

On shopping and parents

2011-05-31T08:40:00.000+02:00

After seeing my Sister in law on Saturday we were on full on finish cleaning mode on Sunday. We needed to get the spare room finished and the other rooms tidied up.

Those plans got a little scuppered when we got an SMS from my sister in law asking if we fancied going to a Mexx warehouse sale. Seeing as Mrs Stacy and I like Mexx we thought that we could go down for a quick look and see what is there. The warehouse is only 20 or 30km's from home so it shouldn't take more than 90 minutes or so to get there, shop and leave.

Hahahahahahahahaha.

We were queueing to get in for an hour, spent an hour or more inside going through the racks and paying. Oops. Mind you, the clothes were *really* cheap. Mrs Stace picked up a coat @ about 115 euros discount, I picked up three skirts @ 10 euros each (shop price was 50+ per skirt). In total we spent 96 euros for a bag of clothing that was probably close to 500 euros in the shop! That it's last seasons styles really doesn't bother me - I like clothes I like - fashion rarely figures in my choice of what I buy!

We spent the remainder of the afternoon getting the rooms cleaned and prepared and collapsed on the sofa in the evening to try and get some energy back :)

Yesterday morning came and I got ready to go and pick my parents up from the airport. That did not go well! My hair refused to go properly, the zapped hair from Friday showed through the foundation and I felt like a mess as a result. There is nothing like confidence crushing images in the mirror just before leaving the house. Esp when everything went so well on Saturday with my Sister in Law.

I was in half a mind to give up and get changed again - but I didn't have time to redo my hair as him so I just summoned up all the confidence I could muster and left. Mrs Stace got a call from a colleague just before I left so she had to stay at home and take that.

I got to Schiphol and struggled to get into my walking shoes. Eventually got out of the car and then had issues walking to arrivals (for somereason my skirt was full of static and sticking to my tights which meant it was riding up at the front).

I reached the arrival hall and waited for my parents to come out. Shaking a little from nerves, but actually otherwise I was fine. I wasn't staring round trying to see who was looking at me. I was not trying to hide away so no one could see me (the amount of people crowding around the arrivals gate would have made that impossible anyway!) They came out we had a hug, walked back to the car and my mum said I looked a bit off. I explained about the above and she said that if I was not feeling up to meeting them as Stacy why did I not just go as him. I just thought if I can go out looking that bad and still act with confidence then I should not have an issue in future trips out. She laughed and said that I didn't look 'bad', and that I still looked feminine. I just looked like I was out from the night before :)

Got home and had a great day chatting, watching some TV etc. They had not been to bed for more than 24 hours so they were shattered so they drifted off to sleep occasionally. I was going to get changed, as the make up was starting to look awful - but my mum managed to convince me that it was fine and that I shouldn't worry so much. I eventually got changed when they went to sit in the garden. Should the neighbours see me when I going somewhere, so be it. But I don't want to just sit in plain view in the garden that is overlooked from every side for Mrs Staces sake. When they find out I won't have a problem doing it, but for now I'll try to avoid it. All in al it was a great day. They are currently asleep still from their travelling, and I am about to go for my run around the lake. In the rain :(

In which my sister in law meets Stacy

2011-05-29T09:33:00.000+02:00

Well it's the morning after the night before, and I am still sitting here in the make up from last night as it was very late (not something I do very often!)

I was quite nervous - in fact almost as nervous as when my parents met Stacy for the first (only so far) time. I started very early, in fact I painted my nails (also something that I do not do very often) whilst watching the Monaco qualification. I managed one hand, but I had to ask Mrs Stace to do my right hand as it was not going to be able to do it left handed. Thankfully she said OK and did a great job (so I currently have metallic purple nails - a present from the wife of a colleague).

After the qualification was finished I spent a age shaping my brows (as much as I dare to do) and shaving. I got dressed, moisturised and did my hair and then went to prepare food.

We ate (quiche with salad and rosemary - sea salt potatoes) and then I did my make up (another 30 minutes!) and relaxed (haha) in front of Dr Who.

We need to wait until my niece and nephew were asleep in bed, as we do not want to confuse them with male me, Stacy, male me. After Dr Who had finished Mrs Stace called to check that they were OK and we left. Mrs Stace drove so that I did not have to change shoes in the car. I'm also not sure how I would have felt being in in control with the shakes that I had from the nerves.

We arrived, parked and went to their house. And I got a very good reaction from both my sister in law and her husband. There were shocked smiles of course, but both said that I looked good, and very feminine and very not male me. I asked if it was better than they had in their head and my sister in law just said that she had lots of strange thoughts and this was nothing like any of them. I do feel sorry for the people who have to get their head around the situation. They have known me for 11 years, and even though they have known about Stacy for 18 months now it's completely different from seeing me as Stacy.

We sat and talked, looking occasionally to the football. As my sister in law joked - you come as a woman for the first time and what do we do, watch football! Something we have never done with them in the past - I had never heard of Messi until last years world cup! Not that there is anything that says you can't do that as a woman, it's just something that I would never do as male me...

For the first hour there was lots of staring as they tried to get their heads sorted (nothing bad, just shocked). But we ended up chatting about things in general and just having a pleasant evening.

As they don't have stairs to leave their house there was nothing for me to fall down (which is good as this time I was in heels and had been drinking red wine). So I stepped out of the house with no problem.

Until it was obvious how gusty the wind was and I had to hold my skirt down. I don't know how bad the first gust was, but it had my sister in law in hysterics. So that's fall down the stairs when I left last time I introduced Stacy to someone, and this time possibly flashing my in laws. Wonderful :)

I think the biggest positive is that they even tried to call me Stacy, and use the correct pronouns. I had told them at the start of the evening that I was not going to correct them that visit. I think getting your head around me as Stacy is enough for one night, the corrections (should they be needed) can come later. After last night I don't think it's going to be an issue. Though my sister in law is worried about calling me Stacy when we go to visit before the kids know me as her :)

A week of freedom!

2011-05-27T21:58:00.000+02:00

It's always nice to finish work and turn off the computer. It's something that I only do a couple of times a year as I need access to my desktop from home in case things go wrong. But, when I am leaving for the week I prefer not to have the temptation of being able to access the office from home so I turn everything off.

It's been a very busy week making sure that there has been enough of a handover for my projects, and to try and ensure that things will go smoothly over the next week.

And I did something really daft :) There is a project that is supposed to go live in a couple of weeks. However, it would be nice for the business if it was live earlier than that. So... I offered to do what I could to get it live early so that the business unit who wanted the project could benefit.

So my team has been working extremely hard, and I have been extremely stressed (and working too many hours when I should have been cleaning up the spare room for my parents!). And... We managed it - with a little luck it will be live a week early and just at the time when they need it. I hope they appreciate the effort that went into getting it there a week early!

After I left the office I had a few appointments before shopping for the weekend.

First was with my optometrist, it's been 3 years since I last had my eyes checked (something I only realised when I had my sunglasses adjusted and asked them how long ago it was). So they checked for glaucoma (no problems there) and did an automated check of my eyes. +0.25 in one eye and 0.00 in the other.

I then had a chat with the guy doing the real exam about how I wear my glasses (when tired, stressed or with a headache) and he check the eyes closer.

And told me to leave the glasses alone in future as whatever there was with my eyes 10 years ago when I got my perscription is not there now. And wearing them could actually cause me more problems by making my eyes lazy. So now I have to try for a few months and see how it goes. If I am getting regular headaches then I have to go back and have them double checked (no doubt with the droplets that relax the eye), otherwise I am fine for another 2 years.

Then I had my last session of laser for the summer. When I started at the beginning of the year I brought a course of 6 sessions (I meant I had one session free) and this was the last one. They have suggested that a break over the sunniest months is a good idea, and to be honest with what is left I am thinking of switching to electrolysis (which reading comments along the lines of 'I thought laser hurt until I started electolosys' recently on a few blogs isn't filling me with joy. The results, sure, the idea of something that hurts more than the laser did today... Not so much.

And, wow!, did it hurt today. I had lots of one 2 ones, that were out in the open and I think I may have spent too much time in the sun. And I forgot the paracetamol that I took to reduce the pain last time last time... I had tears in my eyes before she started on the upper lip.

But looking in the mirror it's worth it!

Right, time to prepare for a long weekend... Cleaning, introducing Stacy to my sister in law tomorrow evening and then fetching my parents from the air port.

I'll apologise in advance for my lack of on-line presence next week. I don't know how often I'll have time to read...

Stace

Hot and Tired!

2011-05-25T21:18:00.000+02:00

We have had a bit of a heatwave here in Holland this week, but today it ended. According to the weather people. However, when I was running this evening I had the impression that it was still hot and dry (and not cold and wet as my phone and computers were trying to tell me).

Assuming that the Volcano in Iceland stays stopped I get to see my parents next week. They are coming to stay for a week, and I have taken the opportunity to take the week off from work. I've not seen them since February so I am quite looking forward to it.

And... Stacy is meeting them at the airport. Or at least that it the plan at the moment. Well see what state my face in in Monday morning before making the final choice as I have my final session of laser on Friday afternoon.

Before they get here though we have to first have to clear the spare room so that they can actually sleep, and get the weeds from the garden so (assuming the weather holds) we can sit in the garden and relax.

It's amazing just how much can collect in one room in the house when you use it as a 'just put it there till I get around to it' room... Everytime we need it we clean it up and swear it will not get into that state again. It works for a few weeks, and then we start the circle again. This time though! This time...

Super injunctions

2011-05-23T20:55:00.000+02:00

The past few weeks I have been getting more and more annoyed at the super injunction stories. Not at the stories themselves - I honestly couldn't care less, but that someone feels the need to abuse the law in order to protect themselves from whatever they have done wrong.

These people make their living by being in the public eye, and enjoy all of the trappings that it brings. Fast cars, big houses, the ability to misbehave.

And then when they do misbehave they use the courts to ensure that no one knows about it, and start screaming privacy. It makes my blood boil! They don't give a damn about privacy when they are making huge amounts of money from giving it up, but woe betide anyone who tries to say anything bad. You have to take the bad with the good, and using laws that are designed to protect national security (supposedly!) to keep your bad behaviour out of the news is just shameful cowardly behaviour.

Not that I have any respect for the kiss and tell girls either. I don't think it paints you in a very good light if you go and sell your storey at the first opportunity. Was the relationship just a way to earn some cash, or did you have deep feelings that you have just sold down the river? And what do either of those options say about you?

Basically I hate the whole celebrity worship culture and how it brings the worst out in people and society! (And do my best to avoid it when possible!)

Uncomfortable evening...

2011-05-22T10:49:00.000+02:00

I think the anti-muse has come to visit my overnight. Either that or the alcohol and sugar from last night have removed it from my head. I had a post in my head yesterday, but for the life of me I have no idea what it was…

So here is the reason for the sugar and alcohol instead.

A friend was the first of us to turn 35 and invited a few of us to a ‘Dessert Buffet’ last night. It was lovely (she is an amazing cook) and there was a huge spread of goodies from brownies with marshmallows, to cupcakes with marshmallows or chocolate chips, a chocolate cake, a poppy seed cake, cheesecake, a strawberry trifle, a strawberry parfait to home-made ice cream and some sorbets with spirits to drizzle over.

I managed to try about half of the things on offer – but as you can imagine they were all quite rich and at a certain point you just can’t do any more!

Near the end of the evening it got very uncomfortable though. I’m not sure how, but the conversation turned to transitioning, or more precise to a colleague of someone who was. And it was not a pleasant discussion. Both Mrs Stace and I kept very quiet (I really do not want anyone there questioning me…) and were extremely uncomfortable. Not so much hate, more ridicule. This didn’t feel any better… The conversation didn’t last very long, but it did leave a lasting bad taste in our mouths. One thing that did surprise me… One of the guys there is normally someone who comes out with things that just annoy me. He is very much a topper type person (from Dilbert) and comes out with some of the most sexist and discriminatory comments. And I don’t recall him saying much at all during this part of the conversation.

The real shame is that this is someone that Mrs Stace gets on very well with, and we would like to tell – so that Mrs Stace has someone outside of family to talk to. We haven’t so far as she is known as ‘Radio ’ due to her ability to keep things to herself (last night’s conversation a perfect case in point). After last night I guess there is another reason why she won’t be told…

After all that has gone well in the last few weeks, this was a real confidence killer...

Zombiefication

2011-05-21T09:58:00.000+02:00

If that is a word... It pretty much describes most of my week though.

I know why I was so exhausted on Monday (or at least I think the appointment at the gender clinic is the reason why I was so exhausted on Monday). But it has continued all week...

I don't know if Mrs Stace and I have been on the verge of coming down with something or not but we we both feeling off all week. A bit of aching, extreme listlessness and just wanting to sleep.

Coming home on Wednesday I had plans to go for a run, but was that exhausted that I just could not get myself into gear enough to go out. Traffic jams on the way home didn't help (90 minutes to drive home instead of 45 when you are shattered does not help!) but I don't want to use that as an excuse. I was just not motivated to get changed and go running...

I have spent a couple of hours in front of the Kinect that I borrowed from a friend. It's an amazing piece of kit - it doesn't capture you perfectly, but it does work very well. It's about half as effective as running for burning calories (but then the games that my friend has are the mini game type ones that have as much time between games as moving). If end up buying one then we will have to get some real exercise games that allow you to work out continually for 30 minutes or more. I am not planning on swapping running for the Kinect, but if it is 'enough' then it would be nice to do it when the weather is less than clement.

Anyway... It's now weekend and I seem to have woken up a little. I managed to sleep in a little later than normal (8am am opposed to 6:45 that seems to be my normal weekend wake up time) and feel quite refreshed.

Let's hope that I manage to stay this way for the rest of the weekend! I need it - I want to get back on track for my running (as in just doing it!), catch up a little on work that I have missed due to the zombiefication, and I need to start cleaning the house in preparation for my parents coming to visit! At present the spare bed is being used as an oversized table and there is no room to walk. I fear that the attic is about to become full to overflowing again...

Right time to hit my route around the lake!

At last, the others in the office know how to speak to me!

2011-05-20T20:43:00.001+02:00

I got this from someone at the office. I thought it was great, and mostly accurate too :)

Second visit to the hospital (and a bit more shopping)

2011-05-19T20:10:00.000+02:00

On Monday I went to see my psychologist at he VU for the second time - I can't believe that it's been more than a month before my first visit!

I had decided that I was going to take public transport, both as a step that I think I need to make and because in rush hour I thought it was going to be the easiest way forward. Right until I looked out of the window and saw how hard it was raining. Car then. I can do without turning up soaked to the skin, cold and with make up and hair styling gunk running down my face.

So I manage to park in the correct parking garage this time, rather than getting stuck in the permit holders entrance and turned up in time.

With the subject matter this month is was a very tiring session, thankfully I have a 5 week break before I go back again.

I decided to take advantage of being out as Stacy on the way home. I want some shoes with a little lower heels that I can walk further in, and saw some lovely ones at Schiphol airport whilst waiting for a train a couple of weeks ago and though that I'd so some shopping as Stace.

That it was at one of the busiest airports in the world added a bit of tension I must admit :) But there was nothing to worry about - I got my shoes (yay!), and had no problems with anyone. The shoes are black nubuck Hoegl's, semi open with about a 6cm heel (much short than the 8's I was in ;p) and are *sooooooo* comfortable!

On the way home I stopped at the supermarket to get some milk. And even had a laugh with the cashier when the guy in front of me took my milk instead of his own (at least he didn't try to take both bottles!)

The two ancillary trips went great, but I was, actually I still am, exhausted from Monday. Whilst the appointment was not, or didn't seem to be, emotionally draining it was very tiring...

And I am going to try and stop buying shoes now!

The perfect compliments (and a couple of very nice ones!)

2011-05-15T09:05:00.000+02:00

There are a few people who I work with that I consider friends as well as colleagues. Some of these also know about Stacy and have been very supportive over the last 12 months. I have one colleague who lets me use his flat whenever I need to get changed after work – as I have a real loathing of getting changed at my destination. I have another one whose wife brought me a selection of makeup back from Mexico and has given me a lot of tips on how to apply it, and links to online tutorials to help hone my skills.

He said that he would like to meet Stacy, and I certainly have nothing against it so we arranged for me to go there for a meal this week.

I had my choice of outfit ready (actually I got the combination as a complete accident due to removing the skin from my shin when changing to the oil on the R6 a few weeks ago and not wanting to wear translucent, skin coloured tights whilst they were red and scabby – but it’s now one of my favourites), got ready after work at my other friends flat and went looking for their house.

I had a fantastic evening, chatting about this that and the other. A bit of techy chat, a lot of girly chat with his wife (which completely eluded him, sorry for that!) and a lovely, real Mexican meal. Well almost real – they had ran out of chillies so it was not hot, which is fine by me…

The compliments?

When I first walked in “Wow, if I didn’t know you I wouldn’t have known”. What more could a girl ask for? Seeing as I have never enjoyed being the centre of attention it is nice that I don’t stand out…

Then towards the end of the evening I asked how he was coping – he said he was little in shock and speechless when I first arrived. But that after a while it just became natural talking to me.

Again, that just puts me so at ease – I am just me, I don’t think about how I should be acting when I’m out as Stace (after all having another façade would not help matters any) so it’s nice that someone else sees that I am just me, with no airs.

I got a nice compliment from his wife too – “You’re so pretty!” Whilst that is not as important to me as the first two (I’ve never thought of myself as good looking either in male clothes or as Stacy) it’s always nice to hear. With my next appointment at the VU next week, and planning on taking public transport for the first time, all three compliments were a wonderful confidence booster :)

Oh, and she noticed that I have lost a lot of weight :) That’s always nice to hear as well!

And of course the thing that had to go wrong… His wife complimented me on how well I walked on heels and asked if I had trouble learning (I was in Mrs Stace’s 8cm heels). I said no, not really I just started walking in them.

And then nearly fell down the stairs outside of their front door when leaving and bounced off of a wall. Nothing hurt, except maybe my pride a little :)

Busy, busy, busy...

2011-05-14T09:10:00.000+02:00

Life has been unbelievably busy and stressful in the last few weeks! Ergo, no almost no posts and not that many comments being left. Sorry…

So what’s been happening in this neck of the woods? Well, to start with I have been learning a little about myself. I needed to write my life CV for the VU – something that I am sure enough of you out there have also had to do.

I actually thought that it was going to be fairly easy – after all I had to write it 12 months ago for my therapist, I assumed that all I would have to do was add a bit about all (admittedly a lot) that happened in the last 12 months and email it to the team. As I say, easy.

Only it wasn’t. Oh, adding the new section was not that much of a problem – it’s a little in list form rather than a description, but it’s easy enough to do. No, the problem was that a different person wrote the document last year. Whilst the text is correct and accurate it I can’t imagine writing like that again. So I spent a long time editing, rewriting and checking the existing text to get it somewhat more akin to what I would write today. I failed miserably – the only way I could have achieved what I wanted to do was ‘ctrl-a’, ‘delete’ and start again. Thinking about the amount of time that I spent on the document maybe that is what I should have done…

I sent it earlier this week, but before doing so I checked the document properties. Ouch, 24 hours total editing time for 18 pages. Told you I have been busy!

There have also been big changes in my work over the last week or so. I couldn’t write about them – and as they were causing a lot of what I would have written about I basically didn’t… But they are now out in the open. Two things have happened – a change in management structure, and a change in development teams.

The first means that my two bosses who I have told are no longer my bosses. I have two new ones. This is going to be a little of the unknown, I have yet to work with my new boss closely – and he is going to be managing both the developers and the innovation teams. Ideally we should work as one team, but there has always been an atmosphere of ‘us and them’. I think that having one manager, and one department, will certainly help that – providing it is handled correctly and not handled as an innovation team with a little IT tacked onto the side.

The team changes are due to a promotion of my tech lead developer to team lead of our second development team (how confusing could I make that sentence ;p). The fact that he accepted that position surprised me, I was not expecting him to want to take a team lead position as he is a real techy, but I do think that he will be great in the job. Unfortunately it does decimate my team as I lose the person with the most experience. In order to maintain a pair of balanced team we have been discussing how we are going to reform them. We have a plan which is going to be discussed with my new boss today. Fingers crossed that he agrees.

And it has been a time of, as Jenny puts it, ‘long talks’. My management structure knew what I was going through. I did that deliberately, as I don’t think that it is a bad idea for them to know. However, now that they are no longer my managers I have lost that. I have spoken to my new boss already, and the new team lead, and have an appointment with my bosses boss (which with a flatter structure also happens to be the director of the company) this afternoon. Update since I first wrote this post... My other boss has now been told and took it far better than I was expecting... So I can start to relax again...

My boss, and the other team lead took it extremely well. The only fly in the ointment was my boss asking why I was so worried, and why would I think that he would not understand. He wants a chat to ensure that he is not coming across as a macho man that people can’t talk to. The other team lead was actually quite funny. We talked, he wasn’t entirely surprised, and came out with the most intriguing sentence I have heard when having these talks. ‘It’s not the strangest thing I have heard in my life’. I want to know what is! :)

And… On Tuesday I had dinner with a friend and his wife so that they could meet Stacy. But that will get a post if its own :)

Plus... I have just noticed that this is my 200th post... I had not really expected to be able to keep up the writing for this long when I started. Apologies for the rubbish I have inflicted on the world in that time :)

Sometimes it's the simple things...

2011-05-05T21:11:00.000+02:00

Just a really quick post... (I've been writing and proof reading my Live CV for the last week and I need to turn off this screen!)

Today was therapy day - and there was a high and a low...

The low was when turning up in Amsterdam. My confidence has been quite high recently - and today was thankfully no exception. Until I arrived and parked the car. The street was very busy and I totally screwed up the parallel parking (and I thought I was improving there as well - in Hilversum I got it into a spot with no problems whatsoever!). I had seen when lining up for parking that I was next to a block of flats, and there were a few tracksuited, baseball wearing caps and working on a scooter engine. I panicked a little at that point - which really annoyed me as I was fine until that point and there was no reason to panic!

I eventually got the car into the fairly massive (certainly for Amsterdam!) spot, took some deep breaths and got out of the car. Shoulders back, head high and pretended I had the confidence like I did when I was just staring this path. In the end everything went fine and I just should not have worried! Quite annoyed with myself...

The good! The very good!

As Mrs Stace was working in the office today I picked her up at the train station to save her catching the bus home. We had planned on pasta, but had forgotten the mushrooms. So we went shopping. Together, me as Stacy. And she was less nervous than I was! She even suggested our local supermarket to save wasting money on parking in the town centre. A very successful trip, no looks and we got the mushrooms we were looking for.

And Mrs Stace was also fine.

A very good end to the day! And from such a simple thing as buying a pack of mushrooms!

Stace

Dev Days 2011 in Den Haag

2011-04-30T10:17:00.000+02:00

OK, those of you not of a geeky disposition look away now - this is going to get a little technical, geeky and very possibly nerdy as well :) (But with a hint of alcohol, public gender confusion - not from me!, and royal celebration thrown in - but not Will and Kate!)

OK disclaimer aside, here goes!

This year, for the first time, I visited the Microsoft Dev Days conference, it's held once a year and various speakers who work with (but not for!) Microsoft try and impart some knowledge and excitement about the tools that we developers use on a daily basis to make the world a better place. Or a worse place if you are like my parents and hate using a computer :)

It started with a little gender confusion, which was wonderfully ironic! We had 6 people that wanted to go this year, three that wanted to go to day one and three to day two. So we brought three tickets and swapped at the end of day one. On of the people who went on day one was female colleague - she has an exotic name that only one of the three of us on day two could pull off. It was not, to western ears, overtly female - but it was also not western at all. So our Indian colleague took her name badge. This is so ironic as this is also the same guy who refuses to touch pink balloons in case people think the wrong thing of him. We didn't continually make references to it all day, honestly :)

Once we were in the first session that we went to was for HTML 5. The guy doing the presentation was very good. He knew his stuff, and could bring his enthusiasm over to the audience very well. He was talking about the simple things (making dynamic pages using HTM files instead of APSX pages - and limiting the amount of data that has to be transferred across the internet to make the users page work.

Then he went onto formatting and mark-up changes - and new features that are available in HTML 5 that will make building a site simpler (web design is still going to be difficult, but at least the building will be easier...) and moving from the desktop to mobile should also be a simpler challenge.

This seminar got me very fired up! For the first time in a while I was really exited about a new technology - have a list of O'Reilly books to buy and will be spending some time on getting my personal web site HTML 5's over the coming months. Now I just need to think of something to actually make of it - I find technological exercises don't keep my attention too well, I need a problem to solve...

At the end of the presentation all three of us were thinking of ways that this technology could improve our companies site, both from a business and a developers point of view. I just hope that we can bring the enthusiasm over in our presentation to the other developers...

Next was a presentation on ASP.NET MVC. This is not a technology that we use, we are still using web forms. It was an interesting presentation, but my base knowledge of the technology was not enough to get a lot of what the presenter was saying. I see some real advantages for the company site, and may have to use it for the back end of my personal site just for the practice, but for work it would require a ground up rewrite of what we have at present and I just don't see that happening in the next 5 years.

The afternoon was spent in project management type seminars - TFS reporting (and how to get the best from it), and how to manage agile projects using TFS 2010. As my next 4 weeks at work are going to spent installing our new server it was nice to see some best practice pointers before I started.

Lastly there was a presentation on SMART use cases. This one I struggled with, the guy was just back from vacation (literally - yesterday morning he was writing it in Lisbon airport) an it showed. He also rushed his talk - in a language other than advertised. I was impressed that my Dutch allowed me to follow most of it, but I got completely lost in places.

The afternoon did make me wonder whether our company is on the right path. The management keep saying 'SCRUM, SCRUM, SCRUM' for project management. But I really believe that they have no idea what it involves, and how the project structure needs to be set up for it. I am going to put my concerns down on Monday and try to speak to the relevant people about it. I think that everyone just wants to take their favourite bits that seem to be really efficient and forget about the bits that mean they have to put some effort into making it efficient. That also goes for the developers (I have to be fair here, the developers have been screaming about SCRUM for a while, but when you try and get them to make sprint tasks of a realistic size - that is less than 8 hours - they complain like hell about too much administration work and why can't they just work on one 420 hour sprint task). We'll see how it turns out...

At the end of the day there were drinks. We had a few drinks, chatted about what we had seen during the day and what we were going to take away from it. One of my colleagues decided that free wine was too tempting and had a little too much. Which then lead to some fun conversations whilst walking back to the train station. He normally comes out with some... interesting points anyway. Once you put some alcohol inside him they get even better. A good end to the day :)

And finally, the royal celebration. Today is Queens Day in the Netherlands. The queens official birthday when there is much celebration in the streets and parties in the city centres. When it happens during a week day we have a bank holiday. This year it's on a Saturday so we lose it (the day still happens but no holiday...). The evening before is called Queens Night - and in Den Haag it is a massive party. This would be good if I had not spent all day in seminars only to leave and find that there were no trams to get back to the central station. The walk was nice but it made it a very long day - leaving the house at 6:30 in the morning and getting back 14 hours later! I would say this weekend would be a time to recover, but my sister in law and her family are coming for a BBQ so instead it's going to be cleaning and preparing for that!

Have a good weekend all!

Oh, I did get a great geeky T-Shirt from one of the vendors (Not my T-Shirt, or photo, but close enough!):

2011-04-24T10:26:00.000+02:00

Things have been quite quiet around here recently...

I have been rushed off of my feet with various things, stressed to hell with work (that is at least improving now) but mostly I've just had a case of writers block. Every time I opened the laptop to do write something I just struggled to get started.

Outside of work I am in a good place at the moment, the stress of life has dwindled somewhat - and that has somewhat reduced my drive to get all of the stress out and into blog posts. I have written some during the time that will never be published - as Jenny pointed out on her blog recently, writing the post can sometimes be enough.

Why is it that when things are going well you find it difficult to write about things? I love reading others peoples positive posts – I find it very affirming and something of a pick me up. So why do I find it so hard to write when things are going well? Mainly guilt I suppose… When you know what some people are going though I don’t want to come across as conceited. Have I ever mentioned that when I have nothing to worry about I spend my time worrying about having nothing to worry about…?

I have also been busy most nights with various things – from visiting friends and family, to training for the city run I did last week (and then recovering from it) to trying to get my new computer set up as I wanted it (it was fine as it was, but being a picky developer I wanted it how I wanted it and was willing to spend the time to get it there).

Now I have to set up my old one for Mrs Stace, and set hers up as our media server in the living room.

Last week I took part in the city run where I work. This year I was just outside the top 10% of participants in the 5KM, running it in just over 24 minutes. At least this year I did not that nauseous that I could not stand for 15 minutes after finishing :) This time I just needed to stop for a couple of minutes to regain use of my legs…

On a serious note, I’m sure everyone has seen the video that has been posted around in the last couple of days from Baltimore. I still find what human beings will do to each other for no reason unbelievable, and how they will come up with excuses to try and justify themselves. And that other people will just stand around filming it, not for any noble reason – as evidence for example, but because they think it’s funny. I’m just glad to see that he victim has at least recovered (physically) and hope that she can get over it with time and help. In this instance it was a transwoman, but this type of violence happens for all sorts of ‘reasons’… And they are all inexcusable.

When you look at what the world in general can do to people I wish the conflicts that have been so obvious on various blogs would stop – when I started blogging a couple of years ago I found so much solace by finding kindred spirits. The blog sphere is a different place now to then, and I am not sure that it would help someone just starting out now as much as it helped me. I find that quite sad. I’ve never been one to look for conflict, and so have tried to steer clear of this subject, but I find the crossfire very tiring – and that in itself adds to the inability to write…

Validation and ****ing Modesty

2011-04-20T21:19:00.000+02:00

Things have setted down since last weeks stress filled days, thankfully! I have had many walks with the ICT manager, and his boss the Finance Director and we have something that we can work with. Time will tell if it's lip service or something that is really going to make a difference, but we'll see.

But... I've had enough good going on outside of work, so I think I'll do some a little catch up post.

I had my hair cut last week, so I got changed at my friends flat, and went to another friends (and ex colleagues) to make food. When ever we meet up I get fed, his wife refuses to let me pay for her cutting my hair and they have helped me tremendously. So I though I would pay them back by cooking them food for a change. Nothing spectacular, just a simple spinach, pesto and cream cheese pasta.

the food went down OK, I had a nice chat with his wife and mother in law; his mother in law agrees with my dad about the length of my skirt - saying just above the knee is too short for a 30 something, but making pains to point out that you shouldn't change what you wear because of someone else's opinion. But she disagrees with my mum that at 178 I should avoid heels, saying I looked very natural in them - and this being Holland was not overly tall. I also got a compliment on my legs :)

We went for a drink, and I was completely relaxed in the cafe again, no feeling nauseous this time - just a nice relaxing drink.

The next day was therapy. So again it was get changed after work and then drive to Amsterdam. I met a couple of my colleagues neighbours on the way out with nothing more than a cheery hello. Outside whilst putting the rucksack with my other clothes into the boot so that they would be out of sight when the car was parked a woman came past walking a bike. We exchanged hello and then she commented on my shoes - I was in opaque tights and black shoes, with wooden looking heels. She said at first glance she thought I was just walking on the wood as the shoes blend in so well - and how great they looked. I was flabbergasted! Not only did my Dutch not let me down in my stress, but it was just a great conversation. I was quite happy driving to my therapists that day :)

We discussed this in therapy, and also the visit to the VU, and how much it relaxed me. He asked how I got on with the therapist at the VU. I think that we got on great, there was a click and we had a great conversation during the appointment. When asking how I had told people I talked of when I told my friend - the first person I told. The pictures on the screen in the pub of a couple of guys in drag during a party and me saying 'They need to learn how to wear those' and then later following it up with 'I said that as I do'. At which point the psychologist said 'Yes, I saw that immediately, you certainly do know how to wear one well'

So I said to my therapist (it gets very confusing when you have more than one...) I think that was a compliment. Probably... Maybe... Do you think? At which point he said is a faux cross voice 'Will you stop being so English, so ****ing modest! Of course it was a compliment - you need to start taking them as such!'

So maybe I need to start...

And lastly, though not deliberately... A colleague brought some goodies into the office to celebrate his sons birth on Tuesday. He did something out of the Dutch ordinary, rather than bringing Beschuit met muisjes' with him he brought lots of interesting things with a dollop of chocolate and muisjes in the chocolate (I suggest Googling that, as it's easier than me explaining ;p). A couple of the guys complained, I commented that at least it meant we got chocolate. Our web master (who makes lots of such comments, I wonder if he either knows or has an idea...) commented 'That's just another female trait that you have!' (or words to that effect).

I didn't complain :)

Something a little more fun

2011-04-17T09:32:00.000+02:00

OK something better…

After getting the frustration of my working out week out yesterday I have been trying to think about the good things that have been going on to try and get myself out of the downer that I have been in for the last few days.

There is enough good going on at the moment, but it's difficult to sit and write a post about it.

Last night though was something to post about… Mrs Stace, her parents and I went to the Hoogland Church in Leiden to listen the The Bach Choir & Orchestra of the Netherlands perform Bach’s ‘Matteus Passion’.

It was simply stunning! The acoustics of the church just added to the atmosphere – with the dramatic cut offs in some of the movements resonating around for seconds after the orchestra and choir have stopped.

I’m always in awe when I see a live classical concert – the volume that can be produced without any electrical amplification is just amazing, and no matter how good your system at home there is nothing like hearing it live.

It was a wonderful evening and just what I needed.

Just as an aside… I t was interesting to see the way that the performers interacted. Specifically the two sopranos… They both performed solo’s, but the looks that were passed from one to the other as they left their position in the choir to come to the front of the stage were enough to let anyone who saw know that there is no love lost between the two… Must make for some interesting rehersals!

Why I am quiet at the moment...

2011-04-16T08:54:00.000+02:00

What a week…

I wish I could say that things are going well at the moment, but I would be totally lying if I did…

For once though it has nothing to do with GD or anything in my private life; that part is going fine at the moment. There is still a large degree of uncertainty at the moment, but that is not causing any problems in day to day life.

No, this week it all came at work. More than that it all came from one department: ICT. I’ve talked about this department before, and no doubt will again, but things just got to me really badly this week – leaving me tired, depressed, unable to do my job, and with a very, very painful hand.

It seems that they have decided to work to rule, causing all sorts of problems for the whole company. We are currently trying to improve our deploy process for the web site, and ancillary applications. At the same time we are looking at upgrading our servers from Windows Server 2003 to 2008 R2 and our SQL servers from 2005 to 2008 R2. We have a new UAT server (which is also used as a staging environment for user configurable data), this replaces an existing machine, and when we asked for it we simply stated ‘same connectivity as the existing machine’. The machine was delivered (several weeks too late – I always thought that having a virtual server environment was supposed to increase flexibility, but in our ICT department it seems to take more time to get a virtual server than it takes to get a physical server that has to be ordered from an external source). We installed SQL server and set all of the databases up.

On Wednesday we commissioned the server and users started to use it. Well, at least that was the plan… All of the database admins could use it, but no one else. The error message that was coming back simply stated that the server did not exist. But only for non-admins… I went up to speak to the ICT department only to be told ‘Yes, that’s right. You just said the same connectivity – we won’t work with that we want to know what IP addresses to what IP addresses. We didn’t know that you wanted people to be able to use the machine’

WTF! Yes, we want to spend weeks setting a new server up so that no one can use it. Does the name ‘USER acceptant test’ in the name of the server not give the game away? I kept reasonably calm whilst explaining that with the machine not being available we had a production issue and then left. Walked outside where our DBA and web master were having a smoking break and lost it. In itself it’s a small thing, but this happens a couple of times a week at the moment and has been carrying on for months. I’m sick to bloody death of the crap they pile on the rest of the company. I also lost it and punched the wall… Take my advice, don’t do that even if you are ready to explode. It still hurts now (though the swelling has gone down). It was a choice of doing that or breaking down in tears, which I didn’t want to do…

That was incident one. The second was on Thursday – I had a day at a VDI workshop (the ICT department want to virtualise all of the desktops – because they have done such a good job of doing that to the servers…). The workshop was good. There were some very knowledgeable people from the consulting company there and gave some good insight into what is possible, and where the technology currently is.

After a day of meetings and discussions it became obvious that it will not work for the developers (actually I don’t think that it will work for the rest of the company either – if you actually want to provide them with a reasonable working environment, something that ICT doesn’t actually care about; their exact phrase ‘regular users will not notice if we give them a broken desktop, they should just be happy they get something’ kind of says it all about their attitude) and that either it will cost a lot of money or it will not provide the functionality we need. The response from ICT ‘Well, the developers will just have to change their requirements then’. Then they asked if I thought this would solve the issues that we have working from home. Let’s see… Working from home is a nightmare as we have to be permanently connected to an RDP connection (meaning no one else in the house can access the internet due to the bandwidth that is required for remoting to your office machine) to do something as simple as read email. In the new situation it will be exactly the same. How is this going to help us exactly?

Even just typing this is sending my stress levels skyrocketing…

Friday I was screwed, I sat at my desk and stared at an empty screen for the day – I went for a walk with my boss and explained the situation, along with my inability to work due to the stress, and the fact that I just didn’t want to go into the office on Friday. We’ll see what comes of it.

Sorry for the rant… But I am so stressed at the moment that I have to try and work it out somehow…

There is much good going on at the moment, and I can’t bloody enjoy any of it due to the crap that this department throws around. In my whole career (now spanning 15 years) I have never had to work with such a group of incompetent, useless people (I refuse to use the word professionals) or such a poorly designed infrastructure (and I use that term very loosely) – it works well for them, just a shame about the other 97.5% of the company.

Good day, cat!

2011-04-10T10:56:00.000+02:00

For Sinter Klaas my nephew got a 'My First RC Car' type present. He loved it, and was busy running everyone over thinking it was a great joke. My niece (who is older) also loved playing with the car, and said that she wanted a pink convertible for her birthday. I immediately thought that would be something nice to build - and i had an old car that I thought I could rebuild in the attic.

Coming from a council estate, and growing up in the 80's and being a petrol head I have always had a soft spot for fast Fords. It's odd when you think about it - whilst Fords may be the peoples cars the fast Fords rarely are. These days I prefer fast Volvo's to fast Fords - another oddity, once you get to the point where you can buy and insure a fast Ford you wonder if you actually want to buy one (the Volvo is nearly as quick, much less in your face - in fact it looks almost the same as a slow Volvo, and so much more comfortable on a long trip).

But, when in university, and still driving a 957cc Fiesta that was only 2 years younger than me, I was still into them. And so I treated myself to a toy:

It was a fun project - you had to build everything - including the gear boxes and differentials. And if you get a chamfered washer the wrong way around in a differential it makes the world of difference. Or in other words, it doesn't work and you get annoyed :)

I haven't used the car in years, but had not thrown it away - it was sitting in the attic gathering dust. So we had a choice of trying to find a toy car that fitted what she wanted, or rebuilding this and having something that was possibly too grown up for a 5 year old to play with. We went for the latter, in the hope that she gets used to it fast enough not to destroy it before he has really played with it.

I dismantled it to down to the main components (I did not want to have the issue of rebuilding the diffs, or rather not being able to rebuild the diffs) and gave everything a good clean. We brought new wheels, a new battery and speed controller (an electronic one that makes it easier to control) and a new convertible body.

As she is a huge fan of a certain white cat with a red bow we decided to make the new car a tribute. Mrs Stace is the artistic one and drew three of the cats on the car, long with a couple of flowers and a butterfly. I sprayed it a pearlescent voilet / blue (depending on the light).

To finish it off we brought on of the said cats and, err, how can I put this... Decapitated it to use as the driver of the car. We were really happy with the finished result:

The car went down a storm, and survived the huge impacts it had within a couple of seconds of her getting the controller. But she learnt very quickly not to go full speed, and without being told figured out that you an use reverse to stop the car quicker. The good thing about the flexible top is that it doesn't break very quickly in an impact, and when it gets dented you can 'ping' them almost completely out. It doesn't look quite as good as these pictures any more - but it's not too bad :)

I have no doubt that in 6 months I'll be spraying another top for her - as long as the chassis remains unscathed the tops are fairly cheap.

Seeing her face when she unwrapped it made the effort of rebuilding the car so worth it :)

A nice surprise

2011-04-08T21:46:00.000+02:00

Just a quickie today... Its late(ish) and I am shattered :)

but I just wanted to post about a couple of nice things that happened to me this week.

Firstly was a conversation with my HR manager. There is a focus on Team Leader training at the moment and it was a discussion about how I think that team leads from various departments can help each other improve the way that we work. That's going to be interesting - there is a world of difference between the departments and so it's not that easy to translate experiences between us. But there were some good things that came out of the discussion. I have the list of things that I would like to improve on, and also the list of things that I would be prepared to do some mentoring on.

But I digress (I do manage to go off on tangents far too easily ;p). Our HR manager knows about me, and asked how it was going before we got down to business. She also asked if she could meet Stacy, which is great as it's something I was going to ask her about at some point. So next week I am going to arrange to go for drinks with her. Should be interesting...

The other good thing was a present. A colleague / friend has been to visit his wifes family in Mexico - taking three weeks for the vacation and then another week to recover form the trip.

When he comes back to work after these trips he normally brings little gifts with him. This time was no different, I got a little turtle for my monitor (everybody got different animals). He also brought a bigger pressie and a Mexican picture bingo game to decide who to give it to. I lost by one card!

When we were on our own he told me that his wife was going to be bringing me a present when she came back a few weeks later, she always stays on for a longer family visit. Now... This friend has a sense of humour, sometimes an interesting sense of humour. I was quite nervous as to what it could be.

Well she came back last week, got unpacked and sorted and I got my present. And I needn't have worried at all. It was a collection of cosmetics - an eyeliner, 4 colours of eye shadow and a couple of lipsticks. They are all colours that I have not yet worn - and have no idea how to wear. His wife is going to mail me some links to tutorials on how to wear the colours without looking like a clown.

And Stacy got an invite to food as well :) We are going to have to organise it next week.

As Mrs Stace pointed out, I am extremely lucky with the people who know about me :)

1st Real Appointment

2011-04-04T17:51:00.000+02:00

I just got back from my first real appointment at the clinic in Amsterdam.

I was working from home this morning - my boss was worried that I would not be able to concentrate, but actually being able to get my head around some of the more annoying things that I have had to do recently made life easier. I hardly though about the appointment whilst working (well consciously, my nerves were playing havoc with my stomach doing back flips from time to time).

At 12, after being at it for 6 hours almost non stop I turned the computer off and had lunch (ham and cheese on toast, with peanut butter on toast for desert. Yum). Watched some TV (empty homes on BBC 1 - wow are there some nice houses in the UK if you have a couple of million to throw at them...) and tried to get the courage to go and get ready.

Showed, dressed, hair and make-up done I double checked the route I needed to take and left.

A little to early apparently :) I always go for early rather than late.

Got to the hospital and managed to annoy the hell out of several drivers. I tried to get into the garage and nothing doing. Hit the button to speak to someone and was told 'this car park is for permit holders only'. Great, that would be what those signs in Dutch say then. Only for permit holders. Right... Oops. It's an underground car park with the gate half way down the ramp from the (busy, major) street. There were 3 cars behind me backed up onto the street. And they all had to reverse back a couple of car lengths for me to get to the escape road. Oops... Just what I needed when I was already nervous as hell. Hohum.

So eventually parked and got into the reception for the gender clinic 30 minutes too soon (thankfully my new handbag has room for a novel so I read for a bit, and the receptionist was nice enough to get me a hot chocolate). After a few minutes someone sat next to me and we got chatting. She had much further than me to travel, coming from the other side of the country (it's not a big country, but there is still a couple of hours travel time to get from one side to the other, double that for her return journey in the heavy, rush hour traffic.

My psychiatrist came to get me on time and we went and had a talk, she asked questions about who knows, how everyone took the news (and was shocked at the reactions of my parents, and their attempts to help me - in a good way). We also talked about what I have been doing over the last 12 months - and complimented my therapist.

Apparently I'm the third or fourth patient that has been with him whilst waiting for the hospital and every time she is really happy with how well prepared the patient is - both in terms of knowing procedure, and in having thought everything through.

After an hour we ran out of time. I was really relaxed talking to her, but when she asked what questions I had my mind went blank. I think the effort of the day had taken it's toll and my brain had shut down. Thinking back I still don't know what I would have asked :)

I have appointments once a month for the coming 4 months, and well see what happens at that point. All in all a much better day that I was expecting.

Nothing, Nothing, Slow, QUICK QUICK QUICK

2011-03-31T21:26:00.000+02:00

About 12 months ago I had my intake appointment at the VU gender clinic. they said at the time that it would take about 9 months to get the next appointment...

Now my therapist had already warned me that it takes longer than the 9 months that they try to stick to, so it wasn't too bad that it took longer than we initially thought. My therapy was going well, and to be honest the delay was just giving me a chance to go work with my therapist - so it wasn't too bad.

A couple of weeks ago I sent them a mail to see if there was anything known about when my next appointment would be. Nothing came back (I do know just how stressed and overworked they are so I am not overly annoyed by that) so I called them on Monday and was told they had to find my files and that they would call me back. On Wednesday I called them again and was told that they had a planning meeting for the psychiatrists and I would be called back today to make an appointment. Result!

So at 11:50 I excused myself form the team lead meeting I was in (actually at that point the discussion was about a part of the system that I have nothing to do with, and no knowledge of so it wasn't too bad - and I had warned my boss that if I hadn't had a call by that time I would be making the call).

I got through with a few minutes to spare, the phone lines are unmanned after midday so you have to call in the morning, and was asked can you come on Monday at 3pm?

The same thing happened for the intake appointment - wait for a while and then suddenly 'can you come tomorrow'.

So now I am a bag of nerves... I'm going to work from home on Monday morning and then leave from here, rather than sitting in the office first.

Down side... I managed to get an appointment a couple of days after laser - when it's difficult to shave and get a nice look on my chin... Oh well, beggars can't be choosers I suppose...

I've also been trying to break a few more barriers today (one of those barriers I have to break is thinking of everything as a barrier I suppose).

My new toy was delivered to the shop today (Mrs Staces laptop is dying so I have replaced mine and am handing mine down to her). I was actually happy that it was today - it meant an excuse to take a trip on the way to therapy as it's just down the road. So Stacy picked the laptop up. I should have really ordered it under her name as well really - every time I was on the phone to them they thought I was my wife anyway. Live and learn! In the shop I had no issues though.

Outside I had a few. There were some workers digging the street up next to the door of the shop. In the middle of an industrial estate (200 euros cheaper than buying from a high street shop) I could have done without it. I got comments. Positive comments (as Mrs Stace and my therapist have pointed out - 'Lekker Ding'), but they did make me feel uncomfortable. I have never had that before - I guess you have to get used to it.

Then afterwards I decided to break the petrol station barrier. I don't know why, but filling up with fuel has always worried me as Stacy. So I thought whilst I am on a roll, why not just do it! There was a station nearby so I filled up. Also no issues - absolutely normalcy :) Except that in the middle of a windswept industrial estate I had to keep hold on to the hem of my skirt to stop it flying!

All in all a great day :)

Now breathe!

When does it stop...

2011-03-30T19:27:00.000+02:00

After having a few weeks where I thought I was catching up with things, both at home and at work I now feel back to square one.

I am just not sure why I have so much on at the moment, or where the current interruptions are coming from, but they are coming fast and furious and just keep piling up and up. On top of this it leads me to finishing the day exhausted, but having no idea where my time has been spent - which makes me worry that people think I am not pulling my weight as even I can't say where the time has gone.

I think I am going to have to make a list and see what I have to do, what can be done in the office, what can be done outside and when I think I can spend time at home to work without interruptions and try and cut the list a little.

The there is the outside stress. A couple of weeks ago I sent an email to the VU to find out when my next appointment was. I heard nothing back and so on Monday I called, they said they needed to find my files (it is about a year since I last went) and they would call me back. Today I gave them another call, they had the file and are organizing their psychiatrists at the moment. I'll get another call in the morning to try and arrange an appointment.

I have no idea when the appointment will be, but at least it seems that things are moving. I sound positive, but I've been a nervous wreck since sending the first mail a couple of weeks back, and leading up to, and just following the calls I've been absolutely spent. Which is daft (as Mrs Stace has told me), all I've done is make a call. There is no need to be nervous about making a call... And yet...

OK, finish on a positive... Whilst I am shattered I have been doing a little more shopping this week :) My online shopping trip from a couple of weeks ago never actually a happened due to running out of time (see my first paragraph...) but this weekend I made time for it.

So a couple of online shops hit, a lilac skirt, two pairs of skinny jeans, a couple of tops and a new beige blazer were ordered. A mix of nice quality and cheap and cheerful (Zara and H&M) should mean that I should have enough outfits to hopefully last me the spring and the start of the summer (once I get a pair of low heeled black shoes and a handbag of course - to save me always stealing one of Mrs Stace's bags).

Now we just have to wait for everything to be delivered. I was hoping that we would get it today so I could try the new things tomorrow. But apparently not... Everything is likely to arrive tomorrow. One day too late. Hohum :)

Show sizes

2011-03-27T09:17:00.000+02:00

I have an issue with my current shoes, they are only any good for a short amount of time. I have one beige pair with 8cm heels and I borrowed (stole?) a black pair from Mrs Stace that she doesn't wear very often that are also 8cm.

Whilst short distances are no problem for me - I can walk in the shoes without a problem when just walking between the car and therapy, or the car and a cafe. But when I last tried to walk a longer distance I ended up with blisters. Mrs Stace suggested (well actually she scolded me for buying shoes based on looks rather than comfort) that I get some with lower heels, that I can wear and walk in all day - we've been looking for a couple of weeks and there were a couple of pairs that I liked a lot:

I'd seen both shoes in the catalogue that came through the door a couple of weeks ago, the beige ones look fantastic in the pictures. The grey suede, with the material ties just looked stunning on the model. I hate most of my body (who doesn't) but my ankles I'm actually quite happy with - at 7,5" they are smaller than average and I do like shoes that show that off.
The black ones just looked like simple classy low heeled black shoes, nothing too showy - just nice.

We went to the shop to try them before food shopping on Friday evening (Mrs Stace went with her husband as she was going to try them for me), and that's where it went a little wrong :)

Firstly the materiel on the grey shoes is not actually material - it's a very soft, very fine leather. And when you see it in the shop as just a mangled mess on display they look much less impressive. For some reason I think a mangled mess of ribbon would look much better in the shop than the leather straps lying in disarray. So with that in mind I thought there was no point in Mrs Stace trying them on - I needed to know what they looked like on me, with the clothes that I would be wearing with them.

The black ones do look pretty much the same in real life as in the catalogue (or on screen) and they had our size on display. Mrs Stace tried them but they were a little too small. but not much too small. This proved an issue as whilst we have just about the same size we don't have exactly the same size. Where as I am a 39/40 she is a 40/41 - and so we did not want to take the risk of buying them and finding that they were still too small.

And so we left the shop empty handed...

Yesterday we went back - Mrs Stace and Stacy - so that I could try the shoes on. So a second trip out for the both of us. Much more stressful for the both of us this time though - we went to the town center of where we lived and had a much higher chance of running into someone that we knew. And the town where we live is starting to get very popular - it's grown massively in the last 5 years or so as the town center has gone under regeneration. Gulp, for both of us.

Secondly, we were going purely for the shoes. And so purely to go to the shop where Mrs Stace brought a pair of shoes last week - with a good chance of being served by the same person and so being read wasn't as much a possibility as a given (I may not look too bad as Stacy but if you know me then you would know me...). And of course buying shoes is a fairly intimate - you do not just pick something and go to the cashiers counter, you have to speak to the assistant, ask questions and get advice. Gulp again!

Now the reason for the title (took some time getting there didn't it! ;p) - I tried on the black shoes and they were indeed too small, my toes curled at the end and they were too narrow. Damn. Then I tried the grey ones (also in a 40) and they were like boats. Damn again.

The assistant came and asked if I needed help, and yes, it was Mrs Stace's assistant from the previous week and whilst she was very professional I would say yes she knew very well that she had served Mrs Stace and me the previous week... Hohum, at that point there is nothing else that you can do is there? I tried to put it at the back of my mind.

She brought out the shoes for me. 41 for the black and 39 for the grey, and did I feel like a nutter asking for two shoes with such completely different sizes!

The grey ones fitted fine, a little tight across the bridge of my foot - but the assistant said that was as it should be, as long they were not painful, so that the leather can give a little when you break them in. The straps looks wonderful on and so they were a definite yes.

The black ones on display must have had the wrong size put on them though. I tried the 41's and they were so big I walked out of them. Which is such a shame as they were also nice looking shoes on!

So I took the grey ones, we went back to the car and started to breath again. Another successful trip I think - or at least we survived :)

Android App of the Month: Run Keeper

2011-03-26T18:37:00.000+01:00

Techie post again :)

This morning I went for my Saturday morning run, even though the weather was absolutely dire here in Holland. It was cold, wet and miserable! But never let it be said I am a fair weather person!

I woke up, watched the mornings activity in Melbourne (go Macca's!), drank my fill of cappuccinos and caught up on blogs that I have been kind of neglecting this week due to the amount I have on at the moment. At about a quarter past nine I got up the courage to get ready for the run and leg it into the world.

Today there was a difference.

I always run with a heart meter to make sure that I am running at the optimum pace for what I want to do - most of the time this being keeping fit and keeping the weight down. However, in three weeks I have to run the Hilversum City Run for my company (well 'have to' is a little incorrect here, I want to run the 5km and they enter teams so I *can* run the 5km). I don't think I am going to beat my time from last year but I would like to try and get close...

So for now I am *trying* to run at competition pace, about 160 to 170 bpm to make sure that I can keep it up for the distance required and to try and make sure that the 170bpm actually equals a decent pace. A colleague of mine gave me a tip for an Android application this week: Run Keeper. This uses the GPS of the phone to keep track of your run for you and give you live feedback.

You start it up and put your phone in your pocket, and it gives you updates through your headphones as you go along. Telling the time so far, the distance so far and the average time per kilometer. I found this really useful for the competition training, as I could adjust my pace to both the heart meter and my required pace (today I was going for 5 minutes per km - 30 seconds slower than my pace last year).

And using the machine, the watch and with a bit of will power I managed to achieve it! For the first 5km's I did 5:02 average per KM. Of course this dropped to something like 5:17 average by the time I had finished running at nearly 7 k's - but I can live with that as I am not running a 7km distance so the performance can drop after 5 without me too worried :)

On coming home I found that I can also use it to make training plans, giving it warm up times and then unlimited intervals for fast, normal and slow running. I think that I'll try this tomorrow when running with Mrs Stace.

And finally... When you stop your run it uses Google Maps to let you know where you went - not that much use when you run the same road everyday, but nice when you take a different route and are just running to make the time, you can see where you went for the next time (and where the KM markers are).

Anyway - just thought I'd pass it on to anyone out there who is insane enough to run to keep fit! I thought it was a nice, free app - there don't seem to be that many out there that work this well (I have tried some in the past that were awful, and only worked if you held the phone in your hand for the whole run!)

BTW, one last thing :) If you work out indoors you can still use it, you just have to turn off the GPS mode and work in time rather than distance I think.

A nice end to the week

2011-03-26T09:17:00.000+01:00

Well after the stress of Thursday, yesterday actually went really well.

It's the end of the month, and so time for another round of walk'n'talk one2one's with my team. I really enjoy these walks and discussions with the guys that work in my team. It gives a chance to give good feedback to them - and get there thoughts and idea's.

This month was even better as we have some projects that are due to start soon - which meant that we could have the discussions about who will do which projects, and how we are going to tackle them. That and discussions about the R&D projects that I am trying to push my team to do took up all of the discussions today.

What I hadn't counted on though was my choosing the wrong footwear... I was in my all black outfit yesterday and I normally wear either white trainers (Mrs Stace hates the idea of white trainers with black, but I like the contrast that they provide) or my cowboy boots (that Mrs Stace hates on principle :p). I went with the boots yesterday, and regretted it after the first walk as the pain started to climb in my feet.

You see you can't get cowboy boots easily in smaller sizes, and so my boots are somewhere between 1 or two sizes too big for me, stuffed with insoles to try and take up the extra room. But my feet still slip in the boots and after the first loop (2.2KM's) they started to hurt.

Halfway through the second I was worried about blisters starting on the balls of my feet, I've had these the before and I really do think that they are about the worst blisters I have had - on the heels they hurt, but right at the front of the foot it's just awful.

At the end of the third loop I tried to make sure that I was just tried and hide behind my desk for a while to let my feet recover.

Then in the afternoon I had a meeting with ICT to discuss the new way that we are going to set up infrastructure for developers. Now I normally have an issue with ICT (they were the people that sent me into a tail spin on Thursday) and so I was not really looking forward to the meeting. But... I have to say it went really well, we were bouncing idea's (and hopefully one idea I had solved an issue I have with the new infrastructure and if they take it up would also make their life easier. Basically the idea is to move to a VDI environment - where all of the developers have a virtualised desktop stored on a server, rather than having hardware under their desk. The discussion on how this works put a few of my fears to ground (though I want to see it in action before I am completely convinced).

Whilst I can see it working well for those who only need a desktop, I work from home, on the train and would like a laptop. Using a server based machine for this is not what I want to do - I don't want to have to be connected to the office in order to work - and so I was against it for those who need to work in the same way as I do. However, yesterday I was reading a techy web site that discussed desktop caching - having a server based computer, but when you disconnect from the network there is a local version of the machine that allows it all to work seamlessly, without a connection. Fingers crossed...

We have a demonstration coming up soon, hopefully I'll get to see it working flawlessly and I can put the rest of my fears to rest and try and convince the other developers that it is going to work. If it doesn't work flawlessly then I don't want to think about how I have to proceed...

And finally, a friend came back to the office after a 4 week vacation and we had a really good natter and catch up just before he left. He knows, and was asking how it's going, and if I have any issues that he can help with. Apparently I also have a present coming from Mexico when his wife returns. he wouldn't say what it was and knowing his sense of humour the mind boggles :) I don't know whether to be exited or nervous :p

It was a nice end to the day though, and a great end to the week. Now to see if I can relax over the weekend (I have to finish building the radio control car for my niece - it's almost working, I just need to find all of the screws and clips to make sure it does not fall apart on her)

Have a good weekend all :)

Up and down

2011-03-24T21:49:00.000+01:00

Today, as they say in football, was a day of two halves.

Due to internal politics and technical problems the morning was less than fun, in fact it had me doubled in pain during a 40 minute walk to work off stress. But I won't go into details, they are both too raw still and it'll just be a rant (I just tried to do it once and ended up deleting the whole post as it got too long and way. way too much of a rant)

I was not happy.

But (always good to use after a phrase like 'I was not happy'), it did pick up. We are looking into a new computer for home. Mrs Stace is using my old laptop and it's starting to get a little long in the tooth, it takes too long to do certain tasks, and the battery is totally dead - if you unplug it it does instantly.

So I am going to do a clean install on mine and pass it on to her, and replace it with a DTR to last another 5 years. Sony is just about to release a new line of laptops using the latest and greatest chips from Intel, with a huge amount of processing power, lots of memory and a fast disk it should be lovely to code on (and to process photo's). We put the order in today, and should be amongst the first to get it when it's released in a couple of weeks. Fingers crossed :)

And then this afternoon, in the glorious sunshine, we went for our office run across the country park near the office. 50mins, 500cals and 27g fat later I was quite happy again. There were 5 of us there, me and another girl run ahead, a couple of girls running a little slower and the guy who organises it (and can run us all into the ground - I swear he didn't even break a sweat!) running between the two.

A nice drive in the evening sun, some spinach and pesto past and I'm done...

And now that this is written, I'm off to bed to carry on with 'The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo' - it's just getting interesting!

Goodnight!

The Great CD Rip is Over

2011-03-20T18:27:00.000+01:00

Well it's taken a week or so of swapping CD's whenever I remembered, but it's done.

244 discs
76GB of space
8+ days of music
3400+ songs
65+ Genres

It was boring as hell!

But hopefully it's the last time I need to do it, as it's lossless encoded now! And it does sound wonderful on the new system, soooo worth it!

What does that much music look like?

This:

Stace

Work, Therapy and Shopping!

2011-03-20T08:49:00.000+01:00

This week has been terrible in the office… I have been exhausted with the pain in my jaw (though thankfully it's now gone completely), and have simply been too busy doing unplanned work – no matter how much time I block in my agenda someone always comes and asks if I can unblock it, and there is normally a good reason for it; it’s just a shame that it doesn't help the things that are always on the back burner. As a result I fall further and further behind with the tasks that are not less important - just less urgent...

Friday was the worst day or the week for me. There was a problem with a project: poor inter-departmental communication and misuse of tools that have made it almost impossible to keep track of. The person involved sent a mail saying that this was an example of why we need to change things and so I tried to arrange a meeting to discuss it. No going, ‘I don’t want to be involved.’ My boss however made an appointment anyway and we had a discussion – I already have the solution outline that fits in the direction that the development team wants to take anyway. This got a warm response from most involved in the meeting and I am going to fill out the outline with to something I can go over with the developers and project teams next week. I'm doing this from home on Monday to ensure that I can actually do the work - and not spend my time on the unplanned things - it's the only way to ensure that it will actually get done.

Then in the afternoon I had to help the other development team change on of our import applications. I was not impressed that this needed doing – the people involved shout very loudly, and constantly that they are senior developers and demand to be treated as such. If you are going to make these statements loudly then I think it’s a good idea to follow it up with actions and when debugging a very simple application it shouldn’t take the two of them working for a week, plus a half day of my time. Since becoming team lead I have not coded that much, and whilst I still read code fine, I am not a fully geeked up techie anymore – and yet I had the layout of the code in my head inside an hour, and I was actually deciphering the details as I was explaining it to the coders. And still it was not coming across and I had to keep going over how the application was built, and why I thought that lines written along the lines of 'Product.CompanyName = xmlDoc.FindNode("CompanyName");' fills the product company name from the XML document field 'CompanyName'. I am not the best teacher in the world (I just don't have the patience to be honest) but I just can't help thinking that the code was fairly self explanatory - we do have some seriously complex code and this just isn't it.

When I eventually got back to my teams room ‘Air on a G String’ was playing, I had the guy who controls the music rewind it to the start and turn it up and just sat in the corner, eyes closed practicing a breathing exercise to get rid of the stress - the people involved don't just say 'I don't get it' they argue that you can't be right, over and over again. I could have had a better end to the week...

Earlier in the week was not so bad. On Thursday I had another therapy session – it was a very relaxing session this time, discussing the shopping trip last week; how it made both me and Mrs Stace feel. I think that one of the biggest changes after the trip was actually evident just before the session. I went to my friends flat to get changed and there were absolutely no nerves when leaving, or when walking in Amsterdam, or when coming home. For the first time I was completely comfortable for the whole time – to the point that it was not until afterwards that I realised that it was not a problem. :)

Of course one disappointment from last week was that we didn’t manage to get everything that we wanted (well, actually, all we managed to find was a summer coat for me! And then it went cold again so I couldn’t even wear it on Thursday!). Mrs Stace managed to correct that slightly yesterday when we went shoe shopping – she got herself a lovely pair of low heeled shoes for spring. I’m thinking of getting the same shoes in grey. We actually went in for shoes for me, I had seen some lovely ones in a catalogue that came through the post, but in real life I am not so sure. I have to go back as Stacy and actually try them on and see how they look I think - maybe they are completely different on than they look sitting on a shelf...

Today we are going to go in for an online shopping trip – I have seen a couple of really nice outfits on zara.nl that I am thinking of getting for spring, and Mrs Stace is going to try and see if she can find something as well :)

A busy day

2011-03-13T09:56:00.000+01:00

Mrs Stace managed to make a liar of me this week, in a very good way I’ll add.

On Wednesday I answered a comment from Melissa that Mrs Stace was not ready to go out with Stace just yet, that she had to go at her own pace and that I was not going to push matters.

Well that all changed that evening over food. We had already planned to go shopping that weekend, Mrs Stace wants some new trousers and I need a new outfit. Over dinner Mrs Stace said that she had been thinking that it was time to bite the bullet and go shopping with Stace instead of male me.

So Saturday came, I went running – with a lot of pain in my jaw still :( - and got ready as Stace. I had a bit of confidence crisis, resulting in me putting on too much make up as I was convinced what remained of my moustache was showing through the foundation like a beacon. Mrs Stace told me that there was nothing showing, and that I was panicking for no reason. I think that both of us were getting a little worked at the point of leaving, it was a big step for both of us; the first time out with me as Stace for her, and the first time in a really busy place for me.

The first job of the day was to find out where everything was (as we had not been to that shopping centre before and find somewhere to eat. I actually felt pretty good, once out of the car. When parking and changing from my driving shoes into my boots I was a bag of nerves (just what you need when parking in a narrow, busy multi storey car park!), but once I stepped out the car it was too late to panic. Walking through the shopping centre I actually felt pretty OK. There were no obvious looks, or following glances. We found the shops that we wanted to look at and went to a department store to eat. We had a chat and some lovely sandwiches – salmon for me and ham for Mrs Stace – and sat for a while before starting to shop.

Or almost starting to shop – first up I needed a bathroom break. I was really hoping to avoid this; it is one thing to need a bathroom break in a nearly empty café at the end of the evening but in a busy department store and having to queue before going in. In the end it was worrying about nothing, no looks, and no comments – just a pleasant attendant taking my money. So the hurdle jumped time to start shopping in earnest.

I found an Esprit trench coat for spring in beige – and actually trying that on in the shop made me feel amazing self-conscious. I don’t know why but I suddenly felt on display – I tried to hide it and carry on regardless. Mrs Stace also seemed to struggle at this point – though she could not say why. I loved the coat, and but cannot fathom why sizes vary so much. When I was looking for a winter coat I had to go for an XL (though Mrs Stace says there is no way that it is XL). The tops I buy are M, and skirts and trousers are 36/38.

And then I buy a coat that is 40, as the 42 buried me. I have a suggestion for the fashion industry… Why not make a range of standardised sizes so that when out shopping it is easy to find the size you are looking for by picking up an article that is the same as your normal size so you have some idea of how it is going to fit. We looked around some more – Mrs Stace picked up some trousers and a nice top and we went to the changing rooms. Oddly enough in Holland this is a non-issue as they are mixed anyway so there were no nerves here.

She didn’t like what she had picked when on so she went to put them back and I went to pay for the coat (another nervous hurdle jumped!) and we went to look in other shops.

We browsed through some other shops and ended up at We. There things went a little wrong for me (my fault, I was a little stupid). We had picked up an amount of things and I then found a lovely skirt. The problem was that it was the skirt to a jacket that Mrs Stace brought last week. I was stupid enough to say “I’ll leave it; you don’t want me stealing your jacket do you”. That manage to get a look apparently – the first one that either of us had noticed (maybe I need to start believing my therapist on my passability a little more). I kind of brushed that off, we went into the changing room and tried our selections on. And again with the sizes… I was walking around in a 36 skirt, I had taken a 38 skirt into the changing rooms and… It only just fitted (where as the 36 skirt that I had on had a little breathing room), and didn’t fall the best. And the top that I had wanted to try was also not the best. And was even worse when I took it off and found I had left some foundation on it…

That experience, and the fact that the painkillers I had taken for my jaw were wearing off, made me want to just go home – so we left at that point.

But, the day in general was a success I think. Mrs Stace coped well – she was nervous at the start and a little uncomfortable but she said it was not as bad as she was expecting. I’m going to count that as a result for the first trip. And I managed to keep my head for most of the trip – it was a real confidence builder for me.

A little bit of pain...

2011-03-12T08:51:00.000+01:00

Well it seems I owe my nephew an applogy... Yesterday at work I called my dentist to make an emergency appointment for Monday afternoon. I picked Monday as it wasn't that bad that I needed immediate attention, but at the same point it needed looking at.

Throughtout the day it was getting worse, and I was really starting to lose concentration and getting exhausted from the constant pain when I moved my head, swallowed or just the constant dull, throbbing pain that had moved to a tooth where I had a filling last year.

At about two I had had enough, I popped some paracetamol and called the dentist a second time to get an appointment as soon as possible. Unfortunately my dentist does not work on a Friday afternoon, but had a colleague that had some time if I could get there quickly. I made the appointment, let my boss know that I was leaving and ran to try and make the next intercity train back home (running with a throbbing tooth is really no fun thing!)

I managed to just make the train, and called Mrs Stace (who was thankfully working from home yesterday). I had an issue in getting to the dentist quickly. I work 30 miles from home as the crow flies and as Mrs Stace was at home she had the car so that she could do the weekly shop instead of me. This meant I had to use public transport to get home. Now, the Dutch public transport system is fantastic - but even so it means that you are reliant on their timetable - and it adds a lot of time to your journey. So... I called Mrs Stace and asked her to pick me up from Schiphol Airport (the last stop of the Intercity) and take me to the dentist (a further 20 miles from home) in order to get there in the time agreed with the dentist.

She picked me up and we made it in plenty of time. Actually we made in in enough time to read through 'The Gruffalo' in the waiting room. We brought this for our neice and nephew on our last trip to the UK and wanted to know how it was translated to Dutch (we read the English version to our neice and nephew - they are not going to have a language problem when it comes to their English lessons at school I think... My neice is only 5 and can already count to 10 in English - actually she has been doing it for a year or more, and is constantly asking for translations from Dutch to English from Mrs Stace and myself)

In the dentist chair I started to panic (I am not a good patient! I am terrified), and had to work hard to calm down. She prodded and poked and found the problem. Seems I had chipped some of the filling somehow and the nerve was exposed, and very sensitive. A quick x-ray later and she had the confirmation that the filling needed to be removed and replaced. She offered a temporary solution of using a liquid to close off the nerve for the coming months - but as it would just be delaying the inivetable I decided to have it replaced whilst I was there and already in a panic.

I won't go into detail of the procedure, but she was fantastic at her job. She did everything she could to keep me calm and talked me though the entire procedure and checked with me every step of the way to make sure that I was not going into too much of a panic. Stopping and helping me relax at the most painful points.

Last night I was exhausted from the day - why is it a simple tooth ache can take it out of you so much? We went to bed early (for a Friday) and I was asleep almost as soon we as turned the lights out.

On a different note... I do appriciate that the issues of my day are insignificant compared to what has happened in Japan in the last 24 hours or so. The images shown were too horrifying for words - the sheer power of nature is... Well it's indescribable. My heart goes out to those affected.

Stace

I can't beleive that he got lost!

2011-03-10T21:28:00.000+01:00

On the Thursdays when I am not in therapy I run with a group of people from the office, some are training for the Hilversum 5km run (I'm one of those) and others just want to get fit. We split ourselves into two groups: One 10km group, and one 5km group, go our seperate ways and see each other during the acros the Gooische Hai (can someone who know's Dutch better than me correct that spelling please :p)

Today started badly - I was accosted by a colleague just when running upstairs to get changed so I had to rush in getting ready - almost forgetting my heart band in the process!

We started our run and were busy with the warm up when someone fell and knocked her head on the ground. She was OK afterwards, but decided to head back to the office rather than carry on running. That left four of us. We completed the warm up, did our stretches and then started running - through the neighbourhood where the office is located and then onto the open country side.

In spite of the cold (and boy was it cold in the wind!) is was a nice day for a run, once we got up to speed we stayed warm enough. The wild life seems to have returned to the parkland, thankfully not Melissa's wild life but deer and highland cows - though the cows are not my favortite creatures when you have to run within a few inches of them either!

4 mins, followed by 1 min rest and then we started on the longest run of the day - a 15 min semi competition pace run. All went well - we passed the 10km group as they were coming the other way and made quite some distance. Too much apparently...

My colleague who was doing the organising managed to take a few wrong turns. So instead of 4 + 15 + 8 minute runs taking us +- 5 KM's we added another 8 minutes trying to get back and another 3km's.

I'm not really complaining, I just thought it was funny (until we came across the cows a second time!) and at least I have earnt my cider and wine tonight :)

On a less fun note I have a real problem with my jaw today, it is really painful! I don't know if I have a filling that is going bad (I am going to call the dentist in the morning and try and get an appointment for Monday) or if my nephew managed to cause me some mischeif yesterday when he was playing / struggling to stay in the bath.

He has taken to trying to tickle people constantly, but has yet to learn the difference between pinching and tickling once he gets excited. And yesterday he grapped the flesh under my chin quite hard, and I am wondering if that has caused a bruise. Alternatively... I was giving him a bath last night and he really, really did not want to get out and jammed himself in and gripped the sides making it hard to lift him out. I had to twist into the shower (where his baby bath is put) and try to free him and am wondering if I stretched something wrong trying to do it. BTW contrary to what Mrs Stace thinks, I am not try ing to blame him for the pain I am in right now... More trying to convince myself that the pain is that rather than something with my teeth :)

The reason why I am wondering though is my tooth aches a little, but the pain comes when I hold my head in strange positions. I can touch the tooth, eat normally and tap my jaw with no problem. But when swallowing, or moving my head or touching the fleshy bit under my jaw it hurts. I'm going to get the tooth checked anyway - rather get it checked for no reason than not check it and it turns out that is the problem and it goes even worse...

Three sessions and four days...

2011-03-08T20:50:00.000+01:00

Friday afternoon, when I had finished work for the week I had my next laser session. That makes three now, and marks the halfway point of the initial course that I paid for. As such I thought that I would do a quick update as to how it is going so far.

The results really are so much better than what I had been expecting from before I started. Down the left hand side of my face there is almost nothing left - smooth skin has returned for the first time in 10 years. Down the right there is a little more, but nothing too bad.

The only real problems area's that remain are my lip and chin - which whilst much better than before are still quite covered in hair, which I know are the most dificult bits to clear. Here I also have an issue where clumps of hairs are left - meaning of course that they stand out a little more than I would like against the surrounding smooth (pale) skin.

With the obvious improvement in facial hair I expected it to be a slightly less painfull experience than before. Hahahahaha. Stupid Stace... Of course not! The woman wielding the pain started with my upper lip this time and, oh my god, yup... It still hurt like hell and tears were rolling down my cheeks almost instantly. My neck and chin were painful too, but nowhere near as bad as my lip. It's really at the points of the clumps - you feel the heat and then the buzz of the EF afterwards and my whle body jerks with the pain. It doesn't seem to matter what I do to avoid it - my yoga breathing just goes to pot as soon as the pain hits. My cheeks are at least at the point where they do not hurt anymore - not really surprising I suppose as there is almost no hair there of course.

I was going to say that at least the recovery time is getting better as I could wet shave the next day... But... No, I'm afraid not. The after pain had just not come out - I am now at the pain point again, with the difficulty of shaving that goes with it! Why oh why are fried hairs so difficult (and painful) to shave off? :)

Oh, but it is so worth it in the end... The woman commented about how well it was going - saying it's far better than they would have expected - let's hope that means that I don't need to order another 6 sessions in July!

What I need...

2011-03-07T19:52:00.000+01:00

Apparently I need more self-confidence. That is something that my therapist said to me during my last session. He also said don’t worry it’ll come… We’ll see.

The situation came from my trips out a few weeks ago. The Tuesday went fine, the Wednesday I had a terrible day. Worried, panicking and just wondering what the hell I was doing with my life. We deconstructed that in the session and we came to the Tuesday evening. If you ready the post from then you’ll see that I had a great night – and I stand by that I did.

There was just one thing that got to me. We were sitting eating and the guy who does the cooking in the café on a Tuesday came up and asked if we wanted anything else to drink. And asked does *he* want anything else. He has met me a few times before meeting Stacy, and I know that there was nothing to it except for habbit. But it kind of deflated me a little, and I think that the following day it just got me really down.

Where does the confidence come into it? My therapist told me that I should have corrected him – but I just don’t have the confidence to get into possible confrontational situations. I’m sure he would have not caused one – but… Oh well, learning point I suppose.

Stace

Fun weekend

2011-03-06T09:33:00.000+01:00

Well, it’s been a busy weekend so far – but all good.

Yesterday morning I went for my normal run. I have cut it to 3.5KM per day for the weekend as my knees are playing up (I could barely walk on Thursday – before I fell down the stairs in my heels ;p). I think the problem is with my running shoes. They are a few years old, and have had quite some use; and I think that the heels have just worn out and collapsed internally – meaning I have no support or cushioning. So on Friday I brought new shoes. Interesting experience. As I can’t buy men’s shoes in my size I always have to go for women’s shoes. The guy in the first shop was great. He went looking for the size I needed, came back saying they didn’t have it. Then he very nervously asked if they were for me or someone else. Me I said. Oh, in that case we have lots of other women’s running shoes if you’d care to pick something else. I declined (I like Asics for running – they are comfortable and give good support) – but I thought that he handled it very well. In the second shop it was less good. The guy did his job well enough – but there was something in his attitude that said here is a bloke buying women’s shoes. I think that they had a laugh about it when I left. Hoh hum. The shoes themselves are great though. No issues when I got back yesterday, and going for a run with Mrs Stace later today.

Then I had to go into town to get the car that I am building for my niece fixed. I brought the bits I needed a couple of weeks ago, and I thought they didn’t fit. A quick trip back to the model store with the car, transmitter and receiver and the guy showed me that I was being stupid :) There has been a change in technology since I first brought the car 14 years ago and I just wasn’t up to date.

The plus side is that I now have a working chassis. I had forgotten how much fun it was to play with. I hope that she likes it and that it’s not too much for someone her age… It’s a little quick, and she is going to have to practice with it to be able to control it well – mind you it’s going to be great for hand eye coordination! Now we just have to pant the shell before her birthday. We brought a convertible shell, are going to paint it metallic lilac, and we are going to paint a Hello Kitty on the bonnet and boot lid as she loves that. It’s going to be quite a family collaboration to get it done. I am going to spray the shell, and have built the chassis. Mrs Stace is going to stencil the Hello Kitty on the shell. My sister in law is going to fine line the Hello Kitty as she has a very steady hand, and then Mrs Stace is going to fill it in afterwards. I can’t wait to see the finished result.

Then it was time to do some baking. We ordered ‘The Hummingbird Bakery Cookbook’ from Amazon and it arrived on Friday. Hehe. The recipes look amazing, mind you for the two of us there is possibly too much – I see my team getting lots of treats in the near future as I try more recipes. Yesterday I tried the recipe for New York Cheesecake. It’s in the fridge looking lovely at the moment – but as it had to chill overnight I can’t say what it tastes like just yet. That comes this afternoon. Yum.

Finally… Having played with the new speakers for a week I have found some unexpected work. Our set up has been an iPod for background music, and the Blu-ray for playing CD’s when we really wanted to listen to something. There has always been a clear difference between the two, but it was always good enough.

The new speakers / amplifier have spoilt us somewhat. It’s not that the iPod sounds worse per say. It’s that the new set-up show’s up all of the missing signal that the iPods poor circuitry, and the MP3’s poor encoding introduces. It sounded hollow compared to listening to CD’s – and was not pleasant anymore – even for background listening. When you know what it can sound like, it’s disappointing to have the iPod on.

So… I have spent yesterday afternoon sorting the CD’s back into alphabetical order (something we do every couple of years as they get mixed up) and now I am busy encoding my whole collection again; for the fourth time (hopefully the last time!). First time was encoded for MiniDisc using Sony Sonic Stage; second time was as 196kbps MP3, then 320kbps. Now I am using FLAC – that is about half the size of a CD (three times bigger than the 320 MP3) but crucially is a lossless encoding (it sounds as good as a CD, and contains all the information of a CD – so I can convert the FLAC to any other format I need in the future). After spending 6 hours doing it yesterday I managed to complete ‘A’. 25 albums. That’s about 10% of the collection. I think it’s going to take a while before the rest are complete (I’m 4 albums into ‘B’ at the moment from the 40 that we have). I think I may need to buy more storage as well :)