Saturday, 21 August 2010

quiet for a while...

Just a quick post to that everything is fine - but I'm going to take a short break from the net... Be back soon :)

Wednesday, 18 August 2010

A little better

Sorry for yesterday...  Thought I can't say how much it helped to get it out :)  The herbal tablets are doing their thing - let's see if I can keep an even keel for the time being.

I spent 20 mins yesterday in a meeting room in the dark with my back against the wall sitting on the ground hugging my knees and satring into space.  It helped.  I followed that with a very jovial lunch with my colleagues, everybody having a laugh and it being, all in all, pleasent.

I think I have managed to track down the chain of events that caused it...

The 'Monday' even I wrote about in a previous post was the start I think.  Bascically someone who I thought was supportive isn't.  He thinks he is, which actually makes what he said worse in my head.  We were talking about the previous Friday (the lunch with my 'abomination' colleague) and he said, 'screw it!  Be yourself and don't give a crap what anyone says to you.'  So far so good.  This was then followed with, 'I gurantee you the first time I see I am going to be laughing so hard, there's too much history between us and when the last person I knew who transitioned did so I still thought about him as the same guy afterwards.  You just have to ignore people.'

Great.  Not supportive and I am a laughing stock.

That's stuck in my head since.  On top of that I have three more days left then I'm off for a couple of weeks.  I have a list of 25 things that I want done before I leave, and it's not getting shorter.  People keep coming and adding to the list, changing the priorities of the list etc etc.

And on top of that at home I'm trying to get all of my machines backed up and it seems the 2TB I have as USB storage just is not enough.

And then...  I got changed on Monday and totally screwed myself over.  I have a dress that I got last year.  I don't wear it too often as it's a little too big for me these days.  It was a disaster. My hair and make up did not go right, the dress looks terrible (I should never have decided to try it again) and all in all I hated the result which killed off what little confidence I had left at the time. There is one thing I try not to do and that is look like a bloke in a dress.  Most of the time I think I just about make it.  Monday absolutely not.  So now I am a paranoid bloke in a dress, who's a laughing stock with everyone talking pointing and gigling behind my back (OK I don't know about the last part of the sentence, that's where the paranoid come in).

I had a talk with Mrs Stace about it last night in bed, it helped a little.  But not a lot.  I think tonight I may try to make up for Monday night by picking one of the outfits I love, but takes a little longer to change into (I wanted to get on with cooking and backing up the computers so I went for speed of getting ready over doing it right - mistake apparently) and see if I can bounce a little.

Wish me luck...

Tuesday, 17 August 2010

Apologies, feeling sorry for myself post ahead...

I'm sitting here with my eyes welling up, and feeling about ready to just say screw it and go home.

And I don't know why.

The last week or so I've been so lothargic it's scaring me.  I can't get myself to do anything - fun or otherwise.  There are a few half written posts on my machine at home that I just can't finish, I have a backlog of reading your blogs that I just don't have the energy to do.  I've skimmed, but not read.

I have a list of 24 things that have to be done before the end of this week in the office and I keep getting interuptions from people trying to add new things.  Which takes me away from the itesms I have which are not only important, but also things that I am looking forward to.

And I'm getting snappy with people, and just plain stressed by things that shouldn't stress me.

I just want to drop my head on the table and sleep...  Amoungst other things.

And I don't know why...

If you made it this far then sorry for the outpouring...  Hopefully normal service can be resumed soon...

I think I'm going to go to the chemist ands get some of the herbal tablets at lunch to see if that can lift me up a little.

Thursday, 12 August 2010

Another long post I'm afraid...

(I started this on Sunday but didn’t quite get around to finishing it – let’s try again now)

Well the last week has been a bit of a mix...  Ups, downs, and some oh my god moments.

And excuse me if I ramble a bit, I had my yearly BBQ with friends and colleagues last night and am recovering from the after effects a bit.  Both of too much wine, and too little sleep.  I’ve had 6 espressos so far this morning and I think that there are more to come. (note: there were another couple after this point)

Earlier this week I went to a friend’s house to help him with TFS 2010.  His company is going to start using it and they have asked me to consult on their implementation of it.  This friend knows about Stacy and his wife is a hair dresser – so I asked if she would be prepared to style my hair in a way that I can wear both ways.  My inspiration is Sharon Small (from The Inspector Lindley Mysteries).  I have a bit of a fringe, but whereas my normal hair dresser will cut it round no matter what I try to ask for it’s now cut so a little flatter giving me more cover.  She then told me where I need to grow it, and what she thinks you can get away with as a man, whilst still having enough hair to style for Stacy.  And then showed me the tricks of the trade for styling – I need to practice, but I’m getting there.

Friday came, and time for my third trip as Stacy in the outside world.  The day was not great – we had a big move in the office and I was conscious of trying not to work that hard that I started to sweat – difficult when I was responsible for organising it and making sure things went to the right place, and then at lunch I got a view of just how harsh some people’s views can be.

We have a very multi cultural department – Polish, Indian, French, Turkish to name but a few.  The Polish guy and Indian guys, whilst being nice enough day to day, have quite intolerant views when it comes to various things.  Before I arrived at the table the others had started a discussion on whether homosexual couples should be able to adopt children.  To say that they are against would be an understatement, going as far to say it’s better to be in an orphanage than have two parents of the same sex.

Then the Indian managed to shock even the Polish guy.  ‘You never know in 50 years they may even have a pill to cure it’.  Much discussion ensues, and to his credit when someone asks how he would feel if someone made a pill to cure his skin colour (as it’s different from European skin – his argument against homosexuality is that it’s different) he says ‘Yes, maybe in the future they’ll do that’.  The conversation moved on and someone brings up inter-sexed and trans people. I just knew that someone was going to, but was wishing that they wouldn’t.  I made a few comments, but kept quiet for the most part.  Thankfully others didn’t.  His reaction got to me though.  “That’s the real abomination isn’t it?”  Christ

So that set the tone for the afternoon stepping out again.  I struggled with the make-up and hair. And when I went it seemed as if the whole world had decided to leave their house at the same time.  I made myself walk head high, but my confidence was shot inside.  Being in an outfit I had never tried before and with a new hairstyle didn’t help either.

I spoke about it with my therapist and he seemed to think that my keeping quiet was not a bad idea; that for now letting others do the talking is a good way to go.  We also talked about my issue with filling up with fuel as Stacy.  He suggested a three step plan – fill and let someone else pay, fill and pay with someone in the car and then when comfortable just do it.  I’ll have to give that a try.

The good things...  One was more phone calls where I was Madame’d every call (I’ve been looking for a new phone and was ringing shops for availability) and the other was a child in a car looking directly at me in the car without freaking – OK I have no children but if a child was freaked by the man make-up I would have expected a longer look out of the back window as the car pulled away from me or getting the attention of her brother / parents to show them the ‘freak’ (for want of a better word, I’m appreciate I’m putting words in people heads here and it’s possibly not fair).  Little things I know, but after the day I had had they were very welcome.

Monday was not great – but I’ll go over that another time...

And to finish on a good note...  I went back to my friends to go over some more functionality of TFS 2010.  He and his wife have been very nice.  Actually that sounds very contrite.  They have been wonderful.  Whilst we were speaking about the Monday incident my friend gave me a great compliment.  ‘You don’t have a big bones, you don’t have a manly nose or chin and you have wonderful eyes.’ (The discussion was about how he will react when he see’s Stacy for the first time)  And when I was leaving I got a compliment on my small feet from his wife.  And...  To top it off...  I’m not ready to get my ears pierced, and can’t find any clip-on’s or magnetic ear rings locally.  I just got a call whilst typing this and his wife saw some that she thought would look good on me and asked me if I wanted her to pick them up :)

Tuesday, 10 August 2010

Bad morning

I've got a few posts on the burner, but I've just been so busy this last weekend that I have only just managed to catch up on reading everybodies blogs last night - appologies if the comments as a) brief and b) difficult to understand...

I'm feeling really down this morning.  The fact that the fog has decended again doesn't help, but this morning I witnessed the aftermath of a terrible accident on the motorway.  It must have happened literally seconds before I got there as cars were only just stopped on the slip road onto the motorway.

A biker was either hit by a car, or lost control on the 180 degree corner that the slip road has onto the motor way and was lying motionless behind the crash barrier.  Seeing as the road was blocked with wreckage I planted the Volvo further back down the slip road with hazards flashing to warn people trying to join the motorway.  Two idiots (for want of a better word) failed to notice and weaved around me and came very close to hitting car that was stopped behind the bike.  Once traffic was moving I left the scene, I saw nothing of the accident so can't help the police, and there were enough people stopped and trying to help.  Having another car blocking up the road would not have helped the ambulance or police do their job.

It's really affected me this morning, I saw the guy just minutes before when he went past me at the traffic lights.  I hope to god that he's OK and send my thoughts to him and his family.


Wednesday, 4 August 2010

I guess I'm still a bit of a wimp

This week is therapy week, so Stacy gets to go out again.  There is the positive, I'm looking forard to it (both the stepping out and the therapy session).

But I find myself doing all things to try and make life simpler, that I feel I should not be.  Last night was an example of this.  For various reasons I've been taking the car to work everyday so far this week, I prefer to only use it one or two times a week and use either the motorbike or trains the other days.  So with 60+ miles a day commuting the fuel is dissapearing fast.  I sat in the car yesterday morning trying to calculate likely journeys, likely congestion for the journeys and what fuel I'll need.  There was a possibility that I would need to get fuel on Friday.  I decided I'm not ready for interaction as Stacy just yet and so filled up the car yesterday - which should give me enough to see Tuesday next week.

I feel like such a wimp for doing that...  When does the getting easier start...

Sunday, 1 August 2010

This isn't supposed to happen when watching an animation

Last night we watched a great film - UP.  I'd heard good reviews about from various people and when on the annual trip to HMV in Inverness (just after the anual trip to Waterstones in Inverness - we really should do those the other way around, a couple of discs weigh less than several bags of books) and saw it on BluRay on offer.  It was a duo pack (DVD and BluRay) so we started to watch it with my parents.  That didn't work as we were all talking as well, so we gave up.  But not before my mum, Mrs Stace and I started to well up a bit.

I won't go into the details of why - for those who have not seen it but would like to, but both of ended up in tears at several places in the film, and for a good 5 minutes after the film had finished.  Both of us kept saying 'It's an animation, you are not supposed to cry at animations!'  But it's actually a really powerful film, told in a fantastic way.  And with some very mood setting music.  So pleased that we brought it.

I get teary eyed at a few films, but generaly I never cry - not since I was a teenager, as I may have mentioned before having spent the best part of a decade being told boys don't cry it's not something that I can do so well.  But last night the tears flowed freely.  I think I have a good idea why - but as it would spoil the film I'm not going to say (but have come back whilst writing this).

I was me yesterday and so needless to say I went to bed with panda eyes...

There was something funny yesterday...  Mrs Stace was paying for parking and the machine ate both her ticket and money.  We pressed the intercom and I talked to the guy on the other end in my best Dutch.  The reply I got.  OK Madam, we'll be right there to sort it for you.  I felt great - I was not in Stace mode and wasn't trying to do anything with my voice.  I then felt rather guilty for thinking it was great - we were in a crowd of people waiting to pay for their parking and it can't have been great for Mrs Stace to hear with that many people within hearing distance - although she did look and me and laugh...